A Twisted Sister

Whine and Cheese...

2006-06-23T05:23:00.000-07:00

Warning Warning! I have a need to whine...if you don't want to hear it or aren't up to it, run along! This blog entry is NOT for you.

I don't do this very often...try to look on the bright side of the picture and be grateful for that which I do have...

However, I have been under the weather for the past 4 days, here alone, and I am afraid it has gotten to me...I need to vent...

I have been in or stayed in too many abusive relationships in my lifetime. I have been "single" now for going on 3 years which is the longest time I have ever been alone and out of a relationship. I am living alone for the first time in my 52 1/2 years on this planet.

I am new to this area where I am living and havent met anyone as far as friends go, and have no idea how to go about that. On a fixed budget it isn't easy. but I have been surviving.

For the past few days, however, I have been sick, and the truth is... I don't do sick well under good circumstances but alone I really dont do it well....

My thinking shifts from how to why...and then I am in the pit...

I guess I am going to have to bite the bullet and call the doctor on Monday...that is about as appealing to me as eating a live frog....but I cant carry on like this for long...

I just don't understand why... but then I remember the old adage. " tis not mine to question why, tis but mine to do or die."

Ok, God, then please please take away this loneliness and make me contented to be with just You and me. I would surely welcome any suggestions from anyonw who has been in this situation and survived....

Thanks for listening...
an illin twistedsister

Green Acres...Oliver here...

2006-01-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

I was born in Clearwater, Florida and have spent , hmmm, I'd guess, maybe 49 of my 52 years on this planet in the Sunshine State. I have always wanted to live on a farm...well...here I am.

I really just love it. I love the smell of the hay in the barn. I love to watch the horses and cows, the cats and dogs, chickens and woolies. They are simply amazing to me.

I am going to be farm sitting for a week the beginning of Feb. while my friend and her husband go on vacation. Needless to say, I am a bit nervous...its alot of responsibility and the longer I am here the more I see the daily adventures that come along with this way of life...

This morning, I let two of the dogs out and stepped out back to have a quick smoke. All of a sudden I hear both dogs barking up a storm...They don't usually bark for nuthin now...so I mosey around to the front to discover what the commotion is all about...

Here stands these two fairly small dogs standing directly in front of this bohemith sized bull who has managed to escape from inside the fence...and was standing by the fence corner, scratchin
his flank and bum on the wood...

Now I reckon those dogs were yapping at that bull, Tanner, to go back but Tanner wasn't listening too well....next thing you know, this Huge animal bolts, charging at the screaming dogs then swerving into a three point turn of sorts, to head for the woods up the hill.

Now, bulls aren't the smartest of creatures...but, what they lack in smarts, they compensate for in sheer massive muscle and braw . This guy, rather than head for the large gated opening at the front of the pasture where we were trying to steer him, charges into the fence, trying to go through the three tiers of wire that are supposed to confine him and his harem to their pasture...not once but five times at five different spots he charged, trying to force his large mass through the wires...each time entangling himself before he is half way through.

Finally, he figured out that the gate was the way to go. After he charged through the gate opening, I quick scooted over, lifted the gate up and swung her closed while Tanner turned around and just stood there giving me the evil eye... all the while the dogs are yapping.

Now, what in the heck am I gonna do if good old Tanner gets out while my friends are gone? oh they will leave me several numbers of neighboring farmers who I can call, but, what do I do if, say, they get out late at night? Oh and by the way, I forgot to mention, two of their cows are very very pregnant and due to drop their calves any time... one of their horses has seizures, and
one has an injured shoulder and is confined to her stall for a month over which she is none too happy. She has already gotten loose once....and its only been a couple of days...

Crash course in farming 101? Oh yeah...should be interesting...
Well, thats my story for today and I am stickin to it. Have a good one...
the" Green Acres" twisted sister ps the only thing I lack is Arnold the Pig!

Perceptions

2006-01-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

It has always facinated me how two different people can be at the same place at the same time, see and experience the exact same things and have very different perceptions of what they saw, felt, heard etc. And where does the truth lie in all of that?

For example, I am one of five children in our family. We lived in the same house, had the same parents, lived through alot of the same exact events together, and not a single one of us sees any of it the same...

I have just spent nearly 5 months living with my youngest sister and her family, her husband works 2 1/2 hours away and commutes back and forth on weekends. They have 3 sons, 12, 10, and 6, live on a farm with 5 cows and a dog pestered by a hand full of chickens. She works full time as a teacher's aide for special needs kids and needless to say has a full plate.

Last week she had a melt down, and told me it would be good if I went to stay with our friend and her husband down the road, which I did. She and I had a conversation yesterday that totally blew me out of the water...

I did not have any clue why she asked me to go. Didn't see it coming, tore me slap up. Thank God my friend and her husband extended a warm welcome to me for the time that I need it or I would be a bag lady right now.

When I asked my sister what in the world happened to us, she informed me that she felt like I was just one more person to take care of. That I didn't do anything to help her and she just couldnt handle any more...

I guess I am still in shock. I don't know what she expected when she told me she wanted me to come up here, that she needed me, but I thought I did alot to help her. I surely tried, anyway.

We are very different people. I am 12 years her senior, raised 3 boys alone and very nearly didnt survive it. I have alot of health problems, struggle along the best I can. I sure as heck cant keep up with her though. But I tried, truly I did. I never asked her to do anything for me...I dont know where she is coming from. She and I see very different things...

I guess expectations and no communication are part of it...and it is extremely difficult to live with family let alone having 2 hens in the hen house...

I am just baffled. O w-hell....this is what I have learned...for the first time in my entire life, and I am over a half a century old, I want to live alone, in my own place. This is a first. I have never lived alone, never ever wanted to, been scared to. Not now....I need to...I am tired of tiptoeing on egg shells, trying to please people who can't be pleased. I need my own space where I can make my own rules, do what I want when I want if I want.

Maybe that was the whole point of this past few months, for me to reach the point that I am willing to live alone. I know there has to be a lesson in here somewhere because I believe everything happens in this world for a reason. And maybe it is time for me to find out that I can be ok and content by myself with God...then I don't have to end up being with someone because I need them. I can be with someone because I want to and I don't have to settle for whoever comes along because I'm desperate and needy and can't stand to be alone. What a concept...

At any rate, I am grateful. Once again, God has provided for me, and I have what I need today. God is good. I wouldnt change plaaces with my sister for all the money in this world, and today, I am glad to be me and not her.

Thanks for listening and God bless! A truly twisted sister

Where am I going and how do I get there?

2006-01-19T06:48:00.000-08:00

Last year has ended and a new one arrived...can't help but wonder what is in store...

I find Life to hold so many hidden, unbidden twists and turns, rocks and rills, spills and thrills...One minute I live in one place, the next I live in another...Its just nuts. This gypsy thing I got going has gotta stop...

I wanna settle, in my own place with my own space, my own rules, my own decore...no more walking on egg shells, no more fear or insecure...no more screaming no more fights, no more chaos , no more pee on the toilet seats.

I just know God has a plan for me...I just wish He would burn a bush and reveal it straight out in English...

Hope springs eternal in this lost little soul...

a twisted sister forever

Its All About Me???

2005-11-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

It has surely been too long again since I have entered the world of blogs...no excuses to offer...other than I can't stand whiners and I refuse to be one (to the best of my ability). Therefore I just plain dont blog, write letters, or do much talking if all I can come up with is whining. And NO, I don't serve Cheese with my whine either!

Lots of changes, just not the ones I want! Now isn't that just part of Life's humerous ironies?
I have gotten a part time job at a local craft store, 20-24 hours a week in probably the closest thing to heaven I have encountered here on earth...making $5.50/hour...now if I could just head out the door instead on out into the store to use my 20% discount when my shift is done I might actually accumulate a little cash!

I am saving to Go visit my son, who is stationed in Europe. Sent for a copy of my birth certificate in order to get a passport...have no idea if it will ever come to pass, but its fun to fantasize about.

My Florida friends have ceased communications with me which really hurts like hell...Reminds me of a song by Melissa Ethrage, . I just do not understand. I simply just have to let this go...here is the hard part tho...the only friend I have met up here, a lady named June, who is a therapist, and my friend, told me that right now its all about me...that until I learn to be contented within my own skin, I am at risk of jumping head-long into sick, needy relationships. The goal is to want to be with someone, rather than need to be with them...

Now, the cold cruel truth of the matter is, I cant even imagine reaching that point, much less have any idea just how to make it happen...I pray and pray and pray...all in God's time...yeah yeah...I know...

I told God, well, I asked Him/Her to please remove this loneliness and allow me to know internal comfort and peace, or please bring someone good for me into my life.Really, I don't think that is too much to ask...Hell, I even told God gender was not an issue, just some one who would be good to me and good for me, someone I can be good to and good for, someone sensitive, creative, honest, with a strong sense of spirituality, and humor.

In the mean time, according to June, its all about me...I was born a nurturer, and that comes natural until it comes to me...O well, this is starting to take on a whine flavor, thus, it is time to close.

Take good care, and thanks for listening/reading...
a sinceriously twisted sister!

The Broken Clock

2005-09-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

I simply cannot believe that today is September 26th...guess I have been just too busy to notice the calender. As of today, I have been in my new place of residence for one month and 6 days! Amazing...given how I fretted over the move!

I truly love it here. Altho I must admit to struggling with loneliness from time to time.I am staying with my youngest sister and her family on a 30some acre farm, where 4 cows, approx 10 chickens, and a dog named Hunter live, out in the country. And to think of all the years I spent in hot and humid, flat and sandy, palmetto bug infested Florida...my my my.... I certainly identify with Oliver on Green Acres...haha

I have truly been trying to focus on the present. Letting go of the past with all of its bitter-sweet memories is not an easy matter. Sometimes I feel so alone in this dawgone world...People come and people go. I would be in one of those transition periods now. O well, I have so much more than that to be grateful for, and grateful I am. God has been good to me.

I have missed blogging and am gonna make a concerted effort to return to it. Take good care, all, until next time...
A twisted Sister

I Wish I Knew

2005-07-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

Oh, I wish I knew
Just what I should do
And knew without question, it right.
Instead I just stew
About what I should do
Debating long into the night.
I pray and I pray
All long night and day
For serenity, courage, insight.
If God would just speak
No complaint would I eek,
Gladly I'd trudge without fight.
Make no mistake
in my boots i now quake
for darkness has swallowed the light.
Yes, I sure wish i knew
Which direction was true
So I'd take to the wing in sure flight.
msp 07/28/05

WARNING: TIDE OF TEARS RISING!

2005-07-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

News Flash: I am not, I repeat, NOT going to Italy with my son. Reason: with my health problems, the closest hospital to where we would be is 6 hours away, in Germany. The word came down today, and it just hit me that he will be leaving Oct. 10 for three years.

I am so very grateful that he is not being sent to Iraq or Afganistan...In light of that, I guess I am being selfish to be so sad and scared.

I don't have a living clue what I am going to do...stay here, go stay with one of my sisters...

Feeling really lost, sad, and broken right now...sorry, I usually try to keep it positive, but I'm having some trouble wrapping my little fingers around anything right now, let alone something positive.

I need to find an oasis in this damned desert I am wandering in...maybe it wouldnt be so bad if I werent so alone here...

Oh, I know I'm never really alone...God is here with me always...but man o man, there just isnt anything like a pair of open arms to fall into with a shoulder attached to snuggle into.

Well, I have whined enough...thanx for listening and if you think of it, say a little prayer for me...
a truly"Lost-in-the-desert" twisted sister

TGIF again!

2005-07-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

It just blows my little mind how quickly time goes by....Man o man, I remember especially when all three of my dear sons were teenagers...I didn't think time would ever pass!

I have always heard that life begins at 40...o ha ha...at the age of 40 I had a 17 year old, a 16 year old, and a 13 year old (all boys). My life did NOT begin at 40!!!

Well here is the news of the day...and mind you, I don't believe anything until it happens anymore...the Army has taught me that. One of my soldier sons is being transferred to Europe and is going through the process of jumping through hoops to arrange to take me with him. After all, I am his dependent.

The more I think if it the more excited I get while trying not to get my heart too set on it. But it would be an awesome opportunity for me. He took me to apply for my passport today, and I have to go through some medical evaluation to make sure they have the proper medical treatments available should I need it. I have put it in God's hands. I figure if it is His Will everything will fall into place and if not, He will close the doors....Keep your fingers crossed for me...

Well, Happy TGIF to ya'll...Take good care and stay safe.
Lots of Love,
the one and only twisted sister I know

HOPE...The broth in the Soup of Life

2005-07-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Main Entry: 1hope
Pronunciation: 'hOp
Function: verbInflected Form(s): hoped; hop·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hopian; akin to Middle High German hoffen to hopeintransitive senses
1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation
2 archaic : TRUSTtransitive senses1 : to desire with expectation of obtainment
2 : to expect with confidence
TRUSTsynonym see EXPECT
noun- hope against hope : to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

Life without hope is like
Soup without broth...not the most appetizing idea in town. Soup without broth could be seen as deceptive, given that by definition broth is pretty essentially what makes soup soup... soup without broth renders a lifeless pot of crunchy stuff without that which brings it to life, and gives it substance and flavor.

Thus is life without hope.

Some days hope is as elusive as a butterfly, and I yearn for it just as I would yearn for a hearty, hot, steamy bowl of home-made chicken noodle soup on a frosty winter's day. And then some days I awaken full of hope...hope for the day and hope for my life and hope for the future.

Makes this life thing feel like riding a carousel...up and down and round and round....

May the God of Faith, Hope, and Love fill us all with an extra measure of Hope this day...
Rots of Ruv,
one very twisted sister

Truth or Dare...

2005-07-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

Remember being a teenager and sitting around with your friends playin Truth or Dare? That used to be a Slumber Party favorite, back in my day...( my kids would say "in the day of the dinosaure"...) ((no respect!))

Well, I challenge you readers to a good, old fashioned game of Truth or Dare. Hey, it could be fun...

Ok, here we go...

Truth or Dare?

Truth, you say? Ok...when was the last time you embarrassed yourself by putting your foot in your mouth and eating toe jam for lunch and what was it you said and to whom?

I guess my answer would have to be a couple of weeks ago, after church service, during fellowship. I was chatting with my pastor, Pastor Dave and a small group of folks, when he asked me a question. I don't know where my head was at, but I answered him with a firm, resounding "Yes, Maam!" Everybody just cracked up but me, and I didn't have a clue what the deal was, let alone that the "yoke" was on me....

Put on your thinking caps and fess up...

Ok, lets try one more....Truth or Dare?

Dare, you say? Hmmmmm...

I dare you to do something nice... a random act of kindness, for someone who you don't care for or who is irritating you today, and don't tell them about it. Let's make the world a better place!

Are you up to the challenge?

Lots of Love, Yours....a truly twisted sister

Happy TGIF, Bloggersville!

2005-07-08T13:59:00.000-07:00

Where in the heck does the time go? I KNOW it cant be flyin like it is cause I'm having so much fun!!! Yup, its Friday again. Kinda feels like the petal is jammed and stuck to the metal on my Tercel of Life!

O whell...(no type-o) May you have a safe and fun weekend! Remember to pray for our troops and I shall remember to pray for you!

Lots of Love,
The "one and only" truly twisted sister I know.

Has this world gone nuts, or what?

2005-07-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the news that London had been bombed this morning by terrorists , and my initial response was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Innocent blood senselessly spilled by hearts and minds warped with hate. It was the same sick feeling I got the morning of 09/11, as the news of the Twin Tower Bombings blared through the radio at work...

Dear God, Please have mercy on this sick and suffering world. Make haste, Oh Lord, and come soon, before we destroy ourselves. Guide our leaders with Your wisdom and strength. Protect our troops who risk all to preserve the values that we cherish, who fight to bring Freedom to the oppressed, and Justice to the oppressors. May Your Peace reign in the hearts of men everywhere. In Jesus' Precious Name, I pray.
P.S. Comfort and heal the injured and survivors as only You can do. Amen.

Happy Independence Day!

2005-07-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate our indepenence as a nation, and our freedom in the usual American tradition of cook-outs and fire works, waving our flags, toasting and tipping...and I couldn't help but stop and ponder a bit about the men and women who brought it all about, and those brave young men and women who sacrifice so much to keep it.

Truly, I am in awe. We, as a people, owe a debt we can never pay to them.

Freedom is something I am ashamed to say I have taken for granted, most of my life. That began to change for me during the Kuate conflict, as CNN brought the reality of war into our living room. I think my kids thought I had gone over the edge because every single day that I came home from work I would be glued to the TV screen in true horror. I couldn't imagine being over there as an ordinary citizen, with bombs falling out of the sky and death' stench in the air. I have never had to be in fear for my life or dodge bullets as I saw ordinary citizens doing over there.

Had no earthly idea that in a few years, my world, as I knew it, would be turned upside down when two of my three sons enlisted in the United States military within six weeks of each other. Today, I am the proud mom of two active soldiers, and I try very hard, in their honor, and in honor of all of our brave men and women who defend our freedom and human rights, to be gratefully aware of the gifts we have. We are truly a rich country, not only in material ways, but in how blessed we are to be able to do and say as we choose.

I never really ever stopped to think about the many sacrifices that have been made, lives that have been lost and blood that has been spilled in pursuit of our Freedom. I am reminded of the words Jesus spoke..."Greater love hath no man than he who giveth his life for another".

Oh, how I wish that each one of us, on this day, could take just a moment to say a quick prayer for all of our soldiers and their families, both those who serve today and those who have gone before them and made the ultimate sacrifice...They are my Heroes.

Have a happy and safe Fourth of July!
a twisted sister

Where do I go from here?

2005-07-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

Life is full of little quirks...and God, as I understand Him today, has a sense of humor, allbeit one I dont always find amusing.

I received an email from the sister of my ex-husband, the father of my sons, today. Here is where God's sense of humor is a bit dicey, to say the least.

These are people who never lifted a finger to help with my sons nor their needs. They wouldnt even tell me where the dead-beat was so I could get child support.

These are people who built themselves up at my expense by constantly bragging and rubbing my nose in their good fortune and wealth, as I struggled to feed and provide for my boys. And freely criticized my house whenever they popped in, I might add.

This all took place between 1975 through 1982. A very long time ago, but I assure you, it still aches like an absessed tooth.

Now that my sons are raised and are adults, and the work is all done, they simply must pursue relationships with the nephews they love so very much and have missed more than words can express.

Oh, and did I mention that they told my oldest son how very dear I am to them and that they have always loved me? Whatever....

I have spent the past twenty years or so trying to muster up forgiveness for these people. And this is what I have discovered about me....not anything I am too proud of...but my forgiveness in this situation is conditional...as long as they stay the hell out of my face and my life (including my sons' lives) I forgive em just fine...

Part of the anger I feel is directed at me. Now, mind you, I wouldnt trade my sons in for anything, but I deeply regret making such a pitiful choice to father my children. Oh, and by the way, he walked out when my youngest son was just over a year old, just released from the hospital with a problem the doctors couldn't diagnose, with not a penny, no formula, no diapers, or food, and an empty gas tank. And he never looked back. Left the state and turned his back on us all.

I also feel deeply angry at myself for being unable to take care of myself with these horrible people. I just swallowed it all and tried harder and harder to kiss ass and win their approval, which , of course never came, until now... haha...who wants it now???

Son #1 says I should just be honest with her...my ex-sister-in-law. My response is what in the hell is that gonna accomplish? They are who they are, and nothing I can say or do is gonna change that. And I can guarantee there is no apology forthcoming...folks without consciounces dont feel regret and the words "I'm sorry" arent in their vocabularies. So what is the point?

I told my sons, all three, that they are adults now and able to make their own decisions. I will support them in whatever they decide. For now, thats as good as it gets. And my prayer today is not for them, but for me, and my sons...that I may forgive unconditionally and not feel any sense of disloyalty or betrayal as my sons incorporate their father's family and quite possibly their father into their lives, and that my sons be protected from further hurt, at the hands of these people.Total rejection and abandonment was enough, in my book.

Well, thats my story for today, and I am sticking to it...Thanks for listening
Lots of Luvs, This truly twisted sister

I've been lost...

2005-06-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

Missing person and son
I've Been Lost

I have been lost,
yes, it is true,
And what a wild ride
Mr. Toad has been through!
But now I am back
yet still in a spin,
And wonderin' if I am
my own evil twin!
Toto is gone and
I'm lost in Oz...
searchin for answers
to this unknown cause.
In search of the Wizard
to send me back home...
oh, yeah! I am homeless!
thus haplessly roam!
I'm feeling like Alice
all little and strange,
in a land that is foreign,
bizarre and deranged.
Yes, I have been lost
it is surely true,
And what a wild ride
Mr. Toad has been through!
But now I am back,
Though still in a spin...
And wonderin' if I am
my own evil twin!
06/29/05

I am afraid I have been gone so long I have been forgotten here in Bloggersville...But, in spite of myself, I shall share again, even if it is to an empty stage...or page.

Believe it or not, I have moved once again since my disappearance, and much to my disdain, am facing yet another moving adventure by October...This time to parts unknown! No wonder my head is in a spin!!!!!

O well, it surely could be worse...I could be the bag lady of my fears...

But, alas, I have much to be grateful for amidst all the confusion, and grateful I am, in spite of it all. I have shelter and food, sons, family, and friends who care, wheels that move and a God who loves me. Hey, who could ask for more?

Lots of lovin's to Bloggerville!
A Truly Twisted Sister

Time Warp?

2005-04-18T05:06:00.000-07:00

Did I unwittingly enter some sort of mystical time warp? Was it really only last week that I wrote that last blog? When you speed through time, the present must blur as a result of mach speed travel...YIKES! Is this what the ancients refer to as "Senior Moments"? Or is this what AA refers to as a white out.

Miracles Happen

2005-04-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

I can't imagine living in a world where miracles don't happen...I should think it would be hard to find hope there...But I am here to attest to the fact that "in this world of ours Miracles DO Happen". I have seen with my own eyes!

As I have shared previously, My friend, who was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer just before Christmas of this past year, has been having some serious problems. For over a month she has been trying to tell her doctors here (and there are 3 of them) that there was something wrong, to no avail. Not a one of them even looked... and she also tried to tell them she had pneumonia, which she has had before, and they said her chest x-ray showed no sign of disease...

Last Thursday, the pain got the best of her and I took her to the ER where all the doctor did was give her a pain shot. By Monday she was in desperate shape and due to the advice of a friend, we took her to a new doctor, one that is an oncologist and a personal friend.

He examined her, and immediately admitted her to the hospital where he is on staff. Within 10 minutes after she reached her room, a surgeon walked in and the following day she went to surgery where it was discovered that she had a HUGE cyst next to her rectum. After it was drained, they discovered that the entire inside of it was one huge infected ulcer! It must heal from the inside out so it is packed with medicated 4x4 gauze that must be changed twice a day.

Pain management was a critical issue, so a consult for a Pain Management Specialist was issued where it was discovered that the morphine they had her on did nothing but depress her respiratory system, with no pain relief. Next thing we know, she went into respiratory failure and ended up in the CCU with Pneumonia in both lungs, and not just your average, run of the mill pneumonia. Whatever she had did not respond to the massive doses of antibiotics and steroids they gave her and at one point they put her on a C-PAP, which is a pressurized oxygen mask...one step up from a ventilator.

As long as she didnt exert any energy or speak,her oxygen saturation in her blood maintained around 90%, but when she turned to her side or talked much it plummetted to around 72% and once it even dropped to zero. She even scared the doctors, and had them all stumped.

I am here to tell you that Monday morning when her daughter and I went to see her, she was on death's doorstep. This was at about 11:20 am. The lung specialist had already performed a procedure called a broncho-wash, to which she didnot respond, and they were seriously considering an open lung biopsy and putting her on the ventilator. No one really knows what happened (doctor wise, that is) but by 2:00 she had turned the corner and her downward spiral began to reverse itself...she sat up and ate some soup that her daughter fed her and began maintaining a decent oxygen saturation level with a regular oxygen mask...

Today is Wednsday, and she is out of CCU and in her own room on 4 liters of oxygen, has begun physical therapy, and may be able to be discharged next week sometime.

There are many many people praying for this woman, and truly that is the only thing her doctors can attribute her recovery to. As for me, I know what happened...God heard the prayers and gave us all a miracle. God is awesome, truly.

In the gift shop there was a table of Easter stuff on sale for 50% off and i found the cutest stuffed lambs there, so I bought her a medium size one and a baby one and we named them "Miracles" and "Happen" (Happy for short)...oh yeah, Miracles Happen!

I am grateful today...and God is Good!
Sincerely ,
a twisted sister

I'll never do this again....

2005-03-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

How many times in my life time have I made this proclamation that I shall never move again? More times than I can count... "Never say never" is what I have been told because "never" is a bitter word to eat...

I finally finished moving today, finished cleaning the house, from stem to stern, and loaded the last of my boxes into my car. All that is left to move is one load to go to storage and one load to go to my son's new dwelling. I left him a cutsie little note on his computer and informed him that the cleaning crew (me) had finished, and I was putting him in charge of moving the two final loads...and hoped he could handle that... in truth I had the help of a dear angel friend in the cleaning department...but hey, what he doesn't know won't hurt him...

Needless to say, I am pooped out. At the risk of being a whiner, I dare say that even my knuckles are aching! I'm never gonna do this again!...

I have eaten that bitter word so often in my life, I think I have acquired a taste for it, I fear...

Take good care...
a truly twisted sister

Happy Easter!

2005-03-27T20:03:00.000-08:00

I am sorry its late but it technichally is still Easter. May you all be richly belssed this Easter Day with God's Finest. Lots of love...a twisted sister

On the Road Again!

2005-03-18T04:29:00.000-08:00

It has been over 3 years since I have had my own car. Three years ago this July 2, my middle son got hit by a fella who ran a red light at a major intersection and totaled my vehicle. It was a miracle that my son even survived the crash considering that the guy was travelling at about 55...But for reasons unknown to all, my son, who never would wear a seat belt, had his seat belt on. I was so grateful that my son wasnt killed that the car, even though it wasnt paid for yet, was an incidental. Cars are expendible, sons are not.

In this day and age, it is a serious handicap to be without wheels unless you live in the big city where there are trains, planes and buses...or a tiny town where bicycles suffice or "Ben and Pat" (bend them knees and pat them feet) do the trick. And I have lived in neither.

Two days ago, My dear son purchased tags for me and I am now the proud owner and driver of a fully legal, fully paid for Toyota Tercel that has a brand new engine in it. Brand new brakes, brand new tires, brand new seat covers!

She is a teal green in color and her name is "Sweet_P"...

It is so very easy and natural to take what we have for granted until we lose it... and it couldn't have come at a better time, given that we are moving...

Best part of all is that I only paid $1150 for it...bought it from a guy I know who builds race cars and fixes up cars to sell. He is a guy I trust, and I know he is honest...a real rarity these days...

Anyway, I'm "On the Road Again" and back in business...Thank you, God!

Well, I am off to resume packing...Lord how I hate moving!!! Will I be glad when this is all over!!!

Thanks for listening! Have a good'un!
a truly twisted sister

Gypsy Blood flows through these veins...

2005-03-13T11:02:00.000-08:00

There are few things I hate more than moving, and there are also few things I have done more often!!! And guess what??? I'm doing it again!

The silver lining to this cloud is... since I am so well practiced at it, I am good at it...packing and stacking is my specialty...I am an organized and efficient packer, like it or not. And...I have a place to go to...a point to be truly grateful for...sure beats being a bag lady...

My beloved son informed me that I am the packer, he is the mover...isnt he a jem? My response is..."NO, Son...you are the mover, I am the SHAKER!!!"

O, well. I already have made a start...no dents yet, but an 8 box start. This shall prove to be an interesting and challenging couple of weeks...

Wish me luck!

a truly twisted sister

2005-03-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

This is my fellow adventurer, "Stormie"

2005-03-12T06:12:00.000-08:00

This is my Bubby, Logan Blade...the Sweetest thing this side of Heaven

"There is no place like home, there is no place like home..."

2005-03-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

If I had Dorothy's Ruby Slippers, I'd be clickin' my heels...

And "voila!" I'd be home! And I am! Thank God above!

It has been an action packed week. I flew to Florida to help my middle son and his girlfriend, the mother of my grandson, and their 2 babies pack up and move to Kentucky to a City about 4 hours from me. It was an adventure, to be sure.

At one point, I was driving the 15' Budget truck with their 3-year-old, Stormie, and we missed our I-75 North exit, ending up lost in down town Atlanta...granted, there for awhile it seemed like a nightmarish adventure, but we, Stormie and I, with a little direction from a nice fella in a little E-Bay Consignment Store, made our way back to the correct road and kept on truckin.
I can laugh now but I was storming Heaven at the time...

We arrived and got them moved into a 2nd storie apt about a block from where we were able to park the truck, in the blowin', snowin' ice and mud. The day we left to take me home, I slipped in the mud, feet flying out in front of me and fell flat on my keester in muck. Gymnastics are a bit beyond me at this point in my life and I feel like I have been run over by a Mack. Most painful, however, is my bruised pride. That is why they don't call me Grace...

Now I get to do it all over again in my own castle...My son and I are moving to separate, less costly quarters, and I must pack up the house and take on the moving concept again...I have till April 1 this time tho...anyway, I am glad to be home...I missed my blog...Hope ya'll are safe and well. Thanks for listening! Love to all!
a truly twisted sister!

Changes

2005-02-21T11:52:00.000-08:00

It has been an emotionally charged week for me...some major life changes lying just ahead, and as much as I'd like to say I am flexible and can just go with the flow like I did when I was younger, I cannot.

Some of the changes are definately positive via my current perceptions...and mind you, that is not always correct... and some I am a little less sure of.

I will be changing residences, acquiring wheels, have my middle son and my precious grandson within 4 hours of me since they are moving to this state...I see all of these as positive changes.

Here is one of the kickers, though...In 1981, when my youngest son was under one year old, my husband and the father of my sons and I separated for the third and final time. He was and is a compulsive liar and unemployable. During the six years that we were married, we lived in 23 different residences, including a 3 day stint in the car at a rest stop with two young children during my third pregnancy. Why, you may ask?

We lived on my next to minimum wage only...most times we were evicted because I simply couldnt keep up with the rent on my meager income alone.During our marriage, he had had approximately 5o+ different jobs all of which he either walked away from or was fired from because somebody didn't like him, somebody did something to him, yadda yadda yadda...

He left the state after we separated, vowing that I would never in this life time see a dime of child support. And he remained true to his word.Not only that, but he never once called to even see if his sons were alive.

Day before yesterday my middle son, who is now 26, received a call from a young lady who claimed to be his father's sister's husband's niece...who had somehow managed to track him down. She called to tell him that his aunt and uncle (his MIA father's sister and her husband) were worried about whether or not he had survived the hurricanes...and she gave him their phone number.

Now, Get this...his father's sister and her husband have two sons. One of those sons, raped my son when he was only 4 years old. He never told me until he was fifteen years old...and by that point my son was unsure which son it was, he just knew that it happened when he was 4 in the younger son's room.

I am not a violent individual, by any stretch...but if there were anyone I would like to torture and kill, it would be his perpetrator. God forgive me. And if there were anyone I would wish off of this earth and beyond the reach of my sons, it is their sperm donor and his family who cared so much that they chose to hide him and protect him from the law rather than make him be responsible for his own flesh and blood.

My son called them, and they gave him his father's phone number and told him that his father wanted very much to talk to him.

Jesus stated very clearly in the Bible that with the measure of forgiveness one gives, with that measure shall he be forgiven...I am guessing that the same applies to mercy...

I am sick to my stomach even writing about this...I am in some deep trouble here...not much forgiveness or mercy to be found in my heart for these folks...

And of course, these people, and I almost choke on calling them that, want to see my sons, and my precious grandson...

Lots of changes...yuppers...
Thanks for listening...
A truly conflicted twisted sister!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2005-02-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

This is a day that I always look forward to if I am half of a couple...and a day I would prefer to skip if I am not...

Today, rather than succumb to the depression that is looming on the sidelines, I decided to send Valentines, and beat the onslaught at its own game...

sooooo....

There is nothing I'd rather do
Than have a Valentine like you!
Pass this on with your bestest smile
And watch it travel on with style!

a truly twisted sister!

The Light Bulb Effect

2005-02-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, something I have heard a million times and either not understood, or not payed attention to, all of a sudden jumps out and smacks me in the head...illuminates like a lightbulb in the darkest of night...I call this "The Light Bulb Effect".

Or, I sometimes call it "The Cosmic 2x4", an implement reserved for only the hardest of head. Mode of delivery determines which phenomenon I am experiencing.

Well, I think, this week, or actually this morning, I have had one of those enlightening moments of clarity. Not a cosmic 2x4, exactly...they tend to end up in a headache...More like a blinding flash of light in the dark muddle of my mind.

Back in the beginning of this blog, I posted a poem that I had written about "My Mind is Not My Friend". Now, this is not news to me...Someone told me this years ago, "twisted sister, your mind is not your friend!" and I immediately recognized the truth in it...

The fact of the matter is, I have a "steering committee", living in my head, that NEVER tells me anything good, never tells me the truth, never shuts up, and seeks to make me miserable... oh yeah!

If I choose to listen to them, any of them, I ALWAYS end up in trouble!

Now, this is the deal...When I am alone, in my own company, those wretched little critters are blaringly loud and deafeningly clear...Being alone with myself is like being stranded in a bad neighborhood at night...no surprises here.

I have realized in the past day or two, though, that I tend to isolate when I am depressed...Well, the honest-to-God truth is, no tending going on here...I down right do isolate when I am depressed...at any given point you are liable to find me under the bed...

Now, sometimes I dont have any options because I don't have wheels at this time, and my son's car is not often available...

Then, again, there are times that I definately do have the option, and choose not to ask to use the car or seek a ride...mostly because I am depressed and just wanna hide under the bed. Can't be inflicting my depression and bad mood upon anyone else, now...ah ha!

What I got going on here is the perfect "Catch 22" ->depression leads to isolation which only leads to deeper depression... Yikes! Am I my worst enemy or what?

Oh Yeah...Rocket Scientist thinking happenin, here...

Hmmm...I need to make some changes here, and real soon!

Stay tuned...!
a truly twisted sister

I Believe in Miracles!

2005-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

I simply must share the news I just received or I will bust! In a recent post I shared about my friend, Denise, who was diagnosed with advanced colo-rectal cancer just before Christmas.

The prognosis looked questionable at that time and the doctors started her on radiation treatments 5 days a week, and chemotherapy 5 days every 3 weeks, in an attempt to shrink the tumor to a reasonable size to accommodate surgery that would involve a colostomy.

Denise was placed on several prayer chains and many people who love her and many who dont even know her personally stormed heaven in her behalf, myself included.

She had a sigmoidoscopy yesterday, and both of her doctors, the radiologist and the oncologist, were astounded with what they found. Her tumor, which was initially the size of a golf ball, is now only the size of a thumb nail! And the chances are excellent that she will not have to have surgery at all!

God is good! He is faithful! We are ecstatic. She is Faith in action at its finest,
and God is awesome! Just had to share our good news.

Thanks for listening!
a twisted sister...God bless you all!

Turning Points

2005-02-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

Over the course of my life thus far, there have been several places in the road where there were either dead ends requiring right or left turns, dead ends requiring three-point-turns and back tracking, forks in the road requiring veering choices, exit and entrance ramps, all of them turning points. Changes in direction that require a decision followed by an altering of the present path.

I am currently at a turning point. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. My current direction is not working for me...time for change...problem is, I am a bit lost in the journey and have no idea which way to go! YIKES!

I have heard it said that "Happiness is an inside job, and a by-product of right living" . Holy shit! What am I doing wrong here?

Sooooo, my current endeavor is to seek out change. No more looking back and mourning what was and is no more, no more looking ahead with dread. What can I do today? The key words being "I do".

Just for today, God help me to be the best me I can, for You.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!
a truly twisted sister

Out in the Desert and Dry as a Bone...

2005-02-06T06:14:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about this state of isolation that I'm currently in, and what came to mind was Jesus in the desert. He was isolated out there for forty days and nights, in the company of Satan. I know it had to be hot and dry and dusty. No civilization in sight for miles and miles. No water, no trees, no food...nothing but stark isolation and deprevation as far as the eye could see. And according to the Bible recounts, He spent forty days and nights there. And while He was there, suffering from thirst and hunger, heat, dust, and bugs, loneliness and isolation, there was Satan, slyly offering Him all that He lacked.

The little trip I'm currently on looks like a vacation in comparison, and yet I whine. Once upon a time, someone who knew me fairly well called me a "princess" meaning that I was whiney, and spoiled, and I reacted with great indignance at such an insult...Why, you might ask??? True to the old adage, the truth hurts...

I feel ashamed. I truly have nothing to complain about, all my needs are met, and I am richly blessed. Let me be a grateful, satisfied child rather that a whiney, spoiled, selfish princess.

Again, Lord, Let me want what I have, not have what I want!

a truly twisted sister p.s. thanks for listening!

Happiness (a stolen idea)

2005-02-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

Not too far from a gratitude list, is "Inside My Head-Jen's" Happiness list. which inspired me to write my own...

Happiness

My grandson, Bubbie's smile
A Spring Kentucky morn
a cup of coffee with extra cream
hugs
finishing a final draft of a poem
snowfall at night
making Christmas ornaments
a $10 spending spree at the Dollar Store
scented candles
good music
bon fires
playing Scrabble with friends
romping with my dog
to be continued...

Lord, Let me want what I have...

2005-02-01T06:45:00.000-08:00

"Lord, Please let me want what I have, not have what I want"

Once upon a time, I was someone's daughter, two someones' daughter, actually and four someones' sister (big sister, as I was the oldest). Then I became someone's wife (Lord help me, what a mistake that was!) In due time, I then became three male someones' mother (the three highlights and greatest challenges of my life). As a mother, and a single mom at that, I wore many hats. I was nurturer, punisher, teacher, admonisher, detective, referee, prison warden, zoo keeper, provider and banker (haha), comic relief, main cook and bottle washer, unpaid maid, seamstress, scholar, lost and found department, twenty-four hour a day taxi service...the list goes on and on. I was an employee, sometimes two or three someones' employee at one time. Then I became a divorcee, moving on to someone else's girlfriend where I turned into wife again.(Lord, I really needed help here)... My main function at this point became protector of the innocent...my kids...that didnt last long, Praise God.

The point of this sad tribute, is that I always had an identity, and knew what that identity was. I had a purpose. I had goals. I had energy, I had dreams.

Today, my parents dwell with the angels, so my role as daughter is over. My siblings, actually all five of us, dont get along. The only sister I get along with at all is my baby sister, who lives halfway across the country and has her own family. So my role as "big sis" has faded. My sons are all grown, involved in their own lives and careers. (They are truly miracles, I tell you). Once in a great while I get consulted for an opinion, which is always ignored...I ought to use reverse psychology...

My health is questionable at best, my sanity is transient, my memory unreliable at any given point, and my energy virtually, non-existant.

I could deal with all that, if I just had an identity now. A purpose, a dream. I have never felt so lost.

Yet, I feel so guilty for complaining, when my friend, Denise, is in the shape she is, battling for her life against cancer, going to school full time...My problems are puny...

Yes, God, please help me to want what I have rather than have what I want, In Jesus Name I pray, Amen".

When the student is ready, the teacher appears...

2005-01-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

I would like to tell you about my friend, Denise. I don't know if you remember, but she was my 51 year old friend who was diagnosed with advanced colo-rectal cancer two weeks before Christmas. It is hard to find the words to say what's in my heart, and I'm not certain words can do it justice. But I find it necessary to try, in her honor.

I came to this place on January 17 of last year, 2004, and for the first 3 months here I isolated in this house, spending most of my waking time alone while my son worked. I knew no one but my son and did alot of crying and praying during that time. Then one day, I asked my son to take me to an A.A. meeting. I had attended Alcoholics Anonymous and stayed clean and sober for a period of ten years in Florida, and though, since I had my heart attack in 1996 and now take all this medication, I can no longer drink, I knew that I would if I could, and felt like I needed some serious help with my living problems. I was drawn to the one place on earth I ever felt like I belonged.

I met Denise at my very first meeting here, through her little daughter-in-law, who just came up to me and started chatting away. She said,"You just have to meet my mother-in-law! You have so much in common!" She fairly dragged me across the room and introduced me to Denise.

Now, at that time, Denise was living with her son, who was in the Army, and his wife and two grandsons. So she and I were pretty much in the same boat there.
Her brother had introduced her to heroin at the tender age of twelve, and she had spent nearly her entire life as either a heroin or methadone addict who seriously tried to drowned herself in a bottle. At the time I met her, she had just over 3 months of sobriety, the first time since she was twelve years old, that she had been clean and sober.

The odds were against Denise and recovery. Statistics plainly show that very few hard core heroin or crack addicts ever get clean, much less stay clean. So, I recognized, right up front that she was a miracle.

Over the past nine months, we have become fast friends. Its funny because in many ways we are alike, but in many ways we are very different, and she has been a tremendous teacher to me, especially of late, as she deals with her illness, treatments and life "one day at a time".

The day that the doctor did her scope and told her he was 99% sure she had colo-rectal cancer, we went to lunch together. Since our friendship is based on complete honesty, she looked me in the eye and asked, "How bad is it, really?"

I'm no doctor, for sure, but I spent fifteen years working as a nurse's assistant on a surgical unit, and in truth, I have seen just enough to make me dangerous... and I couldn't lie to her. All I could say was, "Sweetie, it's not good." I felt pretty sure that the future looked grim, either way it went. My mother battled cancer for seven years, taking chemo off and on for six of those years, and it wasn't pretty.

Denise looked me square in the eye and said, (I shall never forget this) "Believe this or not, I am not afraid. Oh, I have dread, alright, but I have no fear. I know that however it may go, I am going to be ok. I am not mad at God, and I know God will take care of me. And I AM going to pick up my one year chip (meaning that she was NOT going to drink or drug over this)".

She had spent alot of time applying for financial aid and doing the necessary footwork to enroll in college prior to her diagnosis, and was slated to start college on January 18. After being informed by her oncologist and radiologist that she would be taking radiation treatments five days a week for 4 months in conjunction with chemotherapy for five days every three weeks for the same length of time, she was unsure what to do about the school issue.

But I am here to tell you that she started school and is going strong.

What a living, breathing example of true Faith and Courage this woman is...I am just in awe. I don't know that I could do what she is doing...but I do know this, She is Faith and Courage in action, and I am truly blessed to know her. I pray that I can be a worthy pupil.

Thanks for listening!
a truly twisted sister

Faith

Faith is Hope in things unseen...
That Spring will bring her tender green,
That Dawn awaits the darkest night,
That all things wrong will be set right.

Faith is Knowledge that God is real.
Belief transcending what I feel...
Trust that regardless how things go
God's Will's as work His Love to show.

Faith is Peace amid the storm
In spite of circumstancial form...
Though wind and wave may rock the course,
That God's Protection stills the force.

Yes, Faith is Hope in things unseen...
Trust in the face of how things seem,
With Strength to look beyond the eye
Steadfast Faith will fear defy.
msp
01/06/05
Dedicated to my dear friend and sister, Denise, who has taught me what true Faith is.

Get Me Outta This Blue Funk!!

2005-01-19T06:42:00.000-08:00

The most useless emotion known to man is self-pity. It serves no purpose, perpetuates whatever problem is behind it, is consuming and entombing, dangerously self-absorbing, blind to all but itself, destroyer of positive emotions that interfere with its ugly impact, obsessive and possessive and compulsive, and extremely sneekey.

I hate to admit it but I am sunk ear-deep in a mire of blue funk, that akin to hungry quick sand, which sharply resembles a dark murcky muddy black pond of guess what...

Please forgive me, but I am going to whine a bit, before I do what it takes to escape this trap that I am in.

There are several things on my whaaa list this morning...

1. My well meaning son is making me quit smoking again. Yes, I went for full 13 weeks smoke free. My son went on FTX for 3 days, and whallla! Three days alone in my own company is enough to drive anyone to drink or smoke!

I am more than a little resentful here that the choice has been removed from me, regardless of the good intentions...today is day #3..gggrrrrrrrrrrr!

2. I am extremely isolated and lonely, which is not a good thing for me. Son reminded me last night that this was not unto death...made me repeat after him...This is not unto death...

3. I curently feel without purpose or direction...before Christmas I had our play, Christmas ornaments, my trip to Florida, which, other that getting to spend time with my grandson, I wish I hadn't made...

OK, now, time for some Gratitude, which is the only way outta the Blue Funk Mire...
1. I am grateful for my sons, that they are healthy and productive individuals in society.
2. I am grateful for my grandson, Logan Blade (Bubbie) who is the sweetest thing this side of heaven.
3. I am grateful that my physical needs are met...I have a roof over my head and food to eat and clothes to keep me warm.
4. I am grateful for my canine companion and shadow, Shadrack, whom I love with all my heart even if he does hump my pillow...
5. I am grateful that I am an American, and have the freedom to worship the God of my choosing without fear for my life.

With that I will close...and set about the business at hand...I really am grateful for this blog too, where I can be me, the real me...Peace, Ya'll!

A truly twisted sister!

2.

My True Confession

2005-01-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

I wasn't looking so it caught me by surprise but then, that is just my justification when, in truth, I dont think there is any justification for matters of the heart. They have always been beyond my control. Pete Townshed wrote and sang a song entitled "Now and Then" which says, "Now and then you meet a soul and fall in love and cant do a thing about it." That was me.

I had been in a relationship with a woman I shall call Donna for nearly six years. She had been really good to me, had spoiled me rotten, actually. We had been through alot together, had alot of fun together, and gotten along pretty well with the exception of one thing. She could not deal with my kids. She had no children herself, and had no understanding or tolerance for my teenage sons...and vice versa...so over time, life had become a battleground. She did not agree with my parenting methods or my sons' behaviors and what was a really satisfying relationship turned into a constant daily struggle. I knew I was going to have to make some changes, but I was still hoping Donna and I could compromise somewhere and work around this...

One day just after Thanksgiving, there was an unexpected knock
on our door. It was a woman named Connie, a gal that I worked with for nearly five years, and her girlfriend, Carrie, delivering an artificial Christmas tree that they wanted to get rid of. Connie introduced Carrie to Donna and I, and that is when it happened. Carrie and I shook hands, and our eyes met, and fireworks went off...electrical charges bouncing off the walls of my entire body.
Her smile melted my heart, made my heart pound and made my knees weak. The sound of her sweet voice was like the music of angels, and she had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen...It was the most intensely bizarre experience I had ever had! I was to discover later that it was the same for her. She called it the attack of the pheremones...

Next thing you know, the four of us were hanging out together all the time. Dinner every night at either our house or theirs. Weekend outings and excursions, movies, games, hobbies. We did this for at least a year or more. The four of us were inseparable.

Donna and I had a very honest relationship and she shared with me that she was intensely attracted to Connie, and I told her I had some really strong feelings for Carrie. So there were no secrets there. We both knew that our time together was limited due to the conflicts of interest that we had, namely my three sons. I don't know how else to explain it. It just happened.

Donna, whose agenda was to eventually hook up with Connie, hardily encouraged Carrie and I in our developing relationship, which, in truth, didn't need encouragement. It had already happened and our feelings were pretty firm and solidly cemented into place. Alot of flirting and teasing took place between us all, and Connie played the game right along with the rest of us...she flirted with Donna and gave signals that read the same as everybody elses...but looking back, I think, to her it was just that, a game, where to everyone else it had transcended gamehood, and become real feelings.

Now, here is where I went wrong. Again, looking back, I believe I am the one who could have altered the outcome by sticking to my ethics and morals, and instead, I got swept away by feelings of love and lust so strong that I couldnt see to make the right decisions and take the right actions. I take responsibility for the outcome, with deep regret, because we all got hurt...Yes we all played our own parts, no doubt. But had I held strong, and done things in the proper order, according to my belief system, I truly believe things would have played out very different. But then, to quote that wise old adage..." Hind sight is 20/20."

After over a year, my relationship with Carrie on an emotional level was intense. We were completely in tune with each other. She was an intellectual, and fulfilled so much of the emptiness and need within me. She loved my writing, and we had many a deep conversation about that which made it from my heart onto paper. We were spiritually in tune, had so very much in common, and she developed a relationship with my boys...a sincere, loving, understanding relationship that they responded to and participated in eagerly. She had a way with kids of all ages, and impacted their lives with her loving, patient ways. And let me say, she was the first person in a long line of individuals, including the father of my children, to bond with and sincerely care about my boys. For a Mom, that is HUGE. All this is building up to the fact that I grew to love her deeply, and eventually we crossed the lines and became physically intimate. It was not planned, it just happened spontaneously, naturally, sweetly. That in itself was not the problem, however. The problem was that neither one of us was available...I was still with Donna, and she was still with Connie. And to make matters worse, I considered Connie a friend. I worked with her daily, and I had committed the ultimate betrayal...What could have been wonderful and beautiful had it been done correctly, was tainted with great guilt on both of our parts.

Eventually the time came to make some changes...Donna and I parted ways and each got our own places. Regardless of whatever the circumstances, I believe break-ups always hurt. It was the end of a chapter that had had some really sweet times...we parted on civil, friendly terms, Donna and I, but there were tears, lots of tears for us both. By this time, Donna was pretty smitten with Connie, and her hopes were high that once Carrie told her about me, Connie would naturally come to her...Little did any of us know...

When Carrie did finally tell Connie about her feelings and relationship with me, Connie went bullistic, after all, they had been together for 15 years. But it had been a toxic relationship, and Carrie had been looking for a way out long before I came along. I will never forget, it was Memorial Day weekend, and this event was pivotal to what ended up happening. In a fit of anger and betrayal, Connie lost control and physically and sexually assaulted Carrie, and this event set into motion a series of events that very nearly did Carrie in.

It led to an emotional and mental break-down that resulted in her inability to function at her job which she had had for 12 years at the Cape, where she was a software engineer on the Space Shuttle. She lost that job, which was horribly devastating to her. It led to post-traumatic stress attacks where she would dissociate and be unable to function, communicate, or react. It led to nightmares and flashbacks that tortured and tormented her day and night. It triggered the activation of what used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder, now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, where I came to know and recognize at least six different personalities that each day vied for control. Her personalities ranged from that of a three year old (which is when the very first experience of sexual abuse occurred), a seven year old named Joshua, who developed as a result of another series of physical and sexual abuses and rapes, a teenager who called himself "Legion" after a character in a science fiction book Carrie had read at the age of 11 or 12, who could be anybody he needed to be to survive. And then there was a personality who chose to remain nameless, who hated Carrie. She didn't appear all that often, but I learned to recognize her by her voice, which was deep, gravelly and crude, her countenance, consisting of very hate-filled eyes, aggression and vile cursing, and her obvious contempt of, hatred of and desire to kill Carrie. And try she did, on more than one occasion. During these occasions, Carrie was not present, and never remembered what had happened.

The only mental health assistance available to someone who had no insurance was seriously inadequate for someone as ill as Carrie. She had had a therapist since the age of 18 with whom she had bonded, that had moved out of state, and she was pretty much on her own. I felt like I had stepped into the Twilight Zone. Over the course of the following four years, which is how long we were together after her breakdown, she seemed to deteriate to the point that her dissociative episodes were lasting longer and longer. She self-mutilated regularly using knives or razors to cut herself with or car cigarette lighters to burn herself, and was often suicidal and had to be hospitalized several times for actual attempts. I was afraid to let her out of my sights for fear of her punishing herself or doing herself in. She became more non-functional with each passing day and though I loved her fiercely, I was at a huge loss on how to help her.

I got layed off from my job of 6 years following the 9/11 incidents, so, at one point, we were both jobless. She was intensely afraid to be alone and didn't want me to go back to work. I had some serious health issues involving my heart, as well, so I wasn't really able to work, but one cant live on air...

In the end, I felt like I was making Carrie sicker, somehow. Enabling her, I guess. I couldn't seem to get her to fight for help with her meds or go to group at the local mental health facility. My own issues, and yes, I have lots of them, myself, from incest, abuse, etc...seemed to react to Carrie's which just escalated her, and I felt like we were stuck in this horrendous nightmare that was destined to end in someone's demise. Every day I prayed for help and guidance. In the end, I prayed every day to die ...for we were on the verge of being destitute bag-ladies...crazy ones at that...a fate I couldn't accept.

One day I just snapped and walked out, with only my coat, my purse, and my meds. I had simply been trying to tell her that I was fearful about our finances or lack thereof. She took it as a statement of her inadequacy as a partner, and reacted volatily. I wasn't even allowed to have my own feelings. I had not two cents to my name, and no idea where I was headed. I just knew I couldnt stay around and make Carrie sicker any longer, and I felt myself falling into that black hole of mental illness and hopelessness with her...it felt like we were both dying, and the end was near. I was an empty cup with nothing left to give, and was driven by sheer desperation. I loved Carrie more than life itself, but it was clear to me that I was not what she needed. I called my son, in another state, and within a week, I was relocated to a place where I knew no one. I was broken, sad to the bone, and as lost as I have ever been in my entire life.

Now, I have to be honest here. My intentions were to get some professional counselling up here and get my act together. It was my sincere hope that Carrie would do the same, and that after a few months we could reunite and try again, because I truly love her. But "the best laid plans of mice and men"...often go awry.

On the side lines to all of this, was a long time friend of mine, Laura, whom I had known for 35 years. During the last year that Carrie and I were together, Laura had lost both her mother, to a sudden, short lived illness, and her husband of 35 years, to a series of strokes and heart attacks that had rendered him partially paralyzed and disabled for several years before the angels came to claim him. Carrie and I had become a part of his care team for approximately six months before he passed, on weekends, so that Laura could work as a nurse at the local hospital. After both losses, which occurred within 2 months of each other, Laura was depressed, deep in mourning, and very needy. When I left, both Carrie and Laura felt abandoned by me.

Within about 4 months of my departure, they both discovered that they had developed feelings for each other, which caught them both off guard, but sometimes pain and loneliness shared will do that...

I cannot say that I was shocked, although I will say it smarted a bit...for the truth of the matter is, that I still love Carrie. I just didnt know how to help her or cope with her illnesses. Laura is a nurse, and a good one at that. She grew up in a healthy, loving family and had no abuse issues to deal with herself. Nor was she intimidated by doctors or the system. With her help, Carrie is now
on better meds that have stablized her, and is certified for Social Security Disability, which will allow her to contribute to her own support, and get appropriate medical and mental health treatment. She is back to the Carrie I fell in love with, for the most part, and very happy with her life with Laura. I can see that all is as it should be...my prayers have been answered. God took care of Carrie and Laura...just a little differently than I had expected. They are happy together and doing really well. And here I am...confessing my sins, and trying to make amends in the best way I know how, by accepting things as they are and moving on. I have learned a very painful lesson throughout all of this, and never want to make this mistake again.

It has been a year since I arrived here to live with my son, and I don't forsee myself in any more relationships. I need to learn to feel fulfilled and happy as I am, allowing God to fulfill my needs. I think the odds of me staying out of trouble are much better that way, dont you?

Whew! That was a big bad secret...here's hoping that exposing it to the sunlight will assist me in forgiving myself, learning the lesson so I dont have to repeat it, and moving forward.

Thanks for listening!
a truly twisted sister

Keep My Head where my Feet are...or trying

2005-01-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

I have come to believe that this journey of Life is about learning spiritual lessons and living out those lessons...At least that is how I see it for me. And that learning process does not stop until the grave. For me, and that is the only one I can speak for, the most valuable lessons have been the most painful ones. How I wish that werent true, but it is. Must be because I am such a hard-head...

So, Here it is, Saturday, January 8, 2005. My son asked me last night where I see myself going, and what do I see in the future for my life...and damn if he didn't stump me...I really dont have much of a clue.

My crystal ball is busted! My life has so radically changed in the past year that I really dont have any idea whats ahead. I am taking it "One day at a time".

I dont see myself in any relationships ( of the romantic variety), I dont see myself working a normal job due to health issues...I don't see myself getting rich any time soon....when my ship comes in, im usually at the airport...and that is ok with me...

The son, with whom I live, is expecting to deploy to Iraq somewhere between June and September...and at this point it is unclear where I will end up...I am sure that "more will be revealed"

I do see myself helping to take care of m sick friend who is currently taking radiation treatments 5 days a week and chemo 5 days every 3 weeks...

I do see myself writing, and creating.

Other than that I am at a loss. "When the pupil is ready, the Master appears" or so I have been told...so I will just hang loose and see what is in store.

My son is so very different from me...he has his future all mapped out, has lots of big goals and is moving full speed ahead...He's young, and knows what he wants and how to get there.. I almost envy him...almost! lol

The only thing i can do is make today the best today I can, try to help someone else, and stay out of my head.. If I can keep my head where my feet are, it will be a pretty good day!

Lots of Love
a truly twisted sister

Today
I don't know what the future holds
Tomorrow is a mystery...
The past eludes my chasing grasp
It is but history.
Today is all I'm given
Each moment preciously divine.
Lord, let me cherish this one time gift
Through it may Your love shine.
msp

"IF"

2005-01-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

If I trust in God today,
Fear will flee and faith will stay.
Anything that comes my way
Will be the Hand of God at play.

If I sit in quiet prayer
And thank Him for His Loving Care,
His Protection's always there,
The Shadow of His Wing I share.

If I pause His Will to seek
And listen for His Voice to speak,
Sincerely searching past the bleak,
His Strength will fill me when I'm weak.

If I trust in God today,
His Love and Grace sustain my day.
As the Master Potter forms the clay
To mold me in His Gentle Way.

msp
01/01/05

Happy New Year to all and to all a good night!

2005-01-02T08:02:00.000-08:00

New Year Greetings! I am home, safe and sound, and none less for the wear and tear. Although I had a wonderful and enlightening holiday, and enjoyed the visit with my family and friends, like Dorothy in OZ, I say,"There is no place like home, there is no place like home!"

I must admit that I have the melancholies this morning. A combination of things, I think. Sometimes returning to reality after a trip can be like a cold pitcher of ice water or a hard slap in the face. HELLO!

Too, I must admit that I feel a bit emotionally battered from my trip...not that anyone did anything wrong to me, but I had to put on a strong, together front when inside I felt sad, sad, sad. That there, now, takes some work for this little gal, and I'm not much of an actress...my heart tends to hang out there on my sleeve, regardless...

I must remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for...most especially that I am loved. O well, this too shall pass...

I am glad to be back in spite of the melancholies...I missed you all!

Laters, with Love! a truly twisted sister

Tomorrow is D-Day, and Here I Sit

2004-12-20T06:53:00.000-08:00

The list is endless...wash my clothes, pack them up, clean the house, go through my list of forget-me-nots, take care of the last minute chores, wash my hair, shave my legs, go to the dollar store to get something to carry my hand-made ornaments/Christmas gifts in...Yikes!!!

This is such a bitter-sweet journey for me...I wanna go and I wanna stay!

Isnt that crazy?

My youngest son is coming from Germany and I havent seen him since March.

My middle son and my 9 month old Grandson are there and I havent seen them since March.

The Love of my life, and my best and oldest friend of 35 years are there and I havent seen them since January, and they bought my ticket...

My brother and his wife and my 5 yr. old nephew are there and I havent seen them since January.

All of them are excited that I am coming for Christmas, and here I am, wishing I could stay right here. Its not that I don't love them all, for surely I do, with my whole heart. And part of me is excited to see them all... I just feel guilty for leaving my oldest son here to do Christmas alone, and leaving my sick friend in her time of need.

I mean, its only until the 30th of Dec...

Regardless of my silly inner conflicts, please have a wonderful Christmas and stay safe! Hugs and cheers to all!

a truly twisted sister!

Little Drummer Boy

2004-12-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

I have always been fond of the Christmas song, The Little Drummer Boy. Asside from simply liking the music, rhythm and lyrics of the song, the story that it tells has always captivated my imagination. Perhaps I have always identified with the little fellow in the song...but never more than today.

As I told you earlier, I am going to Florida to spend Christmas with my family and friends on a plane ticket purchased for me as a Christmas gift. My sons, Timmy and Chris are very excited, my brother, Mark, his wife, Joann, and my nephew, Scottie, are excited. My friends who purchased the ticket are excited.

Half of me is excited. The other half is torn, for I surely hate to leave my oldest son, and my extended family for the holidays, most especially my friend, Denise, who is sick...

I also go empty handed, for my retroactive SSI check is hung up in burocratic red tape due to their own error. I tried to tell my brother this, and request that we do the gift thing for the children only, since , after all, Christmas is for children...and I told him I was gonna wear a red bow...His response was,"Don't be silly" and " Maybe you aught to think about wearing something more than just a red bow..." Isnt he a hoot???

And it occurred to me this morning, sitting in church, pondering this Christmas celebration, that indeed, I feel like the Little Drummer Boy, with only myself to offer as a gift. My love, my attention, my compassion and understanding, my ear to listen, my arms to hug...it just doesnt feel like enough to me but then...that is what I prefer from others....

O, well, I will give my best...and pray that it is enough...

Be well, all!

Trust Learned is Trust Earned

2004-12-16T03:54:00.000-08:00

This journey we call Life is sure tricky, a road full of twists and turns, rocks and rills, mountains and valleys. I don't know how to do it very well...I stumble and fall alot, wander and get side tracked alot, whine and cry alot...and I don't like surprises! Now, isn't that some irony?

I think we come into this world with Trust. I think it is wired into us. But that trust can be destroyed very easily by circumstances beyond our control as children, if we are subjected to certain undesirables, such as incest, abuse, or neglect. My ability to trust was shattered at an early age, and the inability to trust surely has made the journey more of a challenge.

According to my own personal experience, this shattered , thus lack, of trust applied to people directly, and to God, as well. I discovered, in my early 30's that I believed in God, and His existence implicitly and always had, but did not trust Him with anything. I truly believed that He was out to get me, because I was unworthy and unloveable. Every bad thing that had ever happened to me was punishment, And I lived in fear of the ever threatening other shoe to drop.

I prayed one day and asked God to teach me to trust Him...Nobody warned me to BUCKLE UP, BABY...HERE IT COMES...

Now, picture this. I am a single mom with 3 sons. I get no child support, or state aid, live on a shoe-string budget, and I am stretched mighty thin. Two weeks after I prayed that prayer, I get called into the office at work and am informed that I am layed off, along with 47 other folks. Upon receiving this information, My magic magnifying mind pictures, in 3-D color, myself as an instant bag-lady with 3 bag-children...

Now I am here to tell you that where there is no trust, them rocks and rills, thrills and spills can be treacherous. Panic-strickened, I walked from that office to gather my belongings in tears, wondering where o where we were gonna end up. Christmas was coming, the rent was due, the tires were bald, and my oldest son wanted a new outfit for the dance next week!

The year that followed was one of the greatest lessons in trust I have ever received. One of my dear friends told me to pray, and the answers would come. Thanks to unemployment, we lived on $600. a month, plus contributions from a mentor who appeared in the nick of time, and all our needs were met. I ended up in college, the company that layed me off adopted my family for Christmas, providing food, gifts for all, and six crisp $100 bills in a sealed envelope, and I learned that I can trust God with my finances.

The following year, it was discovered that I had a mass in my breast that required surgery. Now, again, picture this. My mother was a nurse, and was suffering with ovarian cancer, taking chemo-therapy every three weeks. When I was told of my mammogram results, we all just knew that I had breast cancer, Mom included. I went out and purchased life insurance with money I didnt have, wrote a will so that my kids would not become wards of the state, and began to write my obituary. I cried for the two weeks I had to wait for surgery, and my poor kids were just devastated. It was benign. It was then that I learned that I could trust God with my health.

My life has been filled with incidents such as these, through which I have learned that I can trust God in all things, big and small. Today I face one more lesson...

Believe it or not, Within the past 3 days I have been informed that the two closest friends I have up here, where I now live, have cancer. One of them had breast cancer nearly 5 years ago and now has a lesion in her stomach and a spot on her liver, and the other has advanced colo-rectal cancer at the age of 51. I feel like someone has just come up and kicked me in the gut.

Yup, i see a mountain or two on the horizon, and altho I am no Bible-thumper, I am a praying woman who believes in the Grace and Power of prayer and faith. I smell another lesson coming...

Pain shared is cut in half, Joy shared is doubled!

2004-12-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

"Pain shared is cut in half, Joy shared is doubled."

Since I tend to share the pain so freely, I need to share the Joy. I received a phone call a few minutes ago from my youngest son, my baby boy, Christopher, who is stationed in Germany. What a thrill to hear his voice! He has been there since March, training to deploy in March of 2005. His voice is strong, confident, and content.

First of all, I must tell you that when he was born, he was a very sick little cookie. By the time he was three years old, he had been hospitalized nine times, three of them in Intensive Care. He quit breathing at eight days old, when my mother resusitated him. Two months later, it was determined that he had idiopathic epilepsy, and had had so many seizures that the doctors told me he had a 50% of brain damage.

At one point in time, at three months old, he contracted double pneumonia, spent eleven days in ICU and very nearly died. He finally began to thrive health-wise at the age of 5. He is, without a doubt, my miracle child, healthy, strong, and wise.

From the age of fifteen through twenty one or so, his main activity was staying stoned...he was a Nintendo addicted pot-head, who lacked ambition, beyond working at a local convenience store.

Today, he is an MP in the United States Army, who is coming home on Christmas Exodus. He is my HERO. And just for the record, I have 3 HEROES in my life...my three sons. Two of them are soldiers, and one is an incredible daddy. God is so awesome, and they are His Handiwork. I am blessed!

And on top of all of this, I am being given a round trip ticket to Florida for Christmas, where I can be with him, his brother, Timothy, and my 10 month old grandson, and my best friends. There are no words to express how very excited I am. The only down side to this is that my oldest son, with whom I live cannot get leave and I will be leaving him here for Christmas.

Due to financial reasons, I didn't think Florida was even possible...and I had prayed and put the entire issue smack dab into God's Hands, being willing to accept the outcome, whatever it may be. Oh my God! You are awesome!

My joy this day is great and humbling, for I am not deserving. But...deserving or not, I am loved and blessed right out of my booties! Oh yes, God is Awesome!

May my God bless you richly this very moment!

Tunnel Vision

2004-12-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

"Be careful what you pray for" is how I've heard it told.
Your prayer just might be answered with a hand you want to fold.
Too bad I'm hard of hearing, and hard-headed, yes, to boot.
Sometimes my best ideas are like weeds of endless root.
I have learned this lesson from that school of old hard knocks...
I only pray for God's Will, now, leaving "self-will" in the box.
See, this is what I figure, from the lesson that I learned,
Mine is tunnel vision tainted by only what I yearn.
Any given situation revolves around much more than me,
Yes, involving a greater picture than my eyes can ever see.
Selfish prayers are dangerous and seldom satisfy...
Now, I'm careful what I pray for, and that's the reason why!

Memories

2004-12-13T07:38:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I have been here, and I apologize to both me and you for my neglect...I hope all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Today is the anniversary of my Mother's arrival at the Gates of Heaven...December 13, 1993 , she left this earth, and dances with the angels this day. It is with mixed feelings that I write this. It was through the event of her passing that I experienced for the very first time the fact that God's Hand is tender and Loving...the most precious gift I have ever received.

You see, I always thought God was a pretty frightful dude, ever waiting out there for me to be me and screw up, so He could punish me as I rightfully deserved...

Well, I couldn't have been more wrong...and today I rejoice in the Truth, that I, yes, even me, am a "King's Kid"! And I owe the realization of that Truth to my Mother, through her passing.

I am too emotional today to go into the details, but one day I will, and you will see how it all took place. But for this day, I thank my God for Her. I miss her, and yearn to see her, but rejoice that she is where she is. Her suffering was great, but she suffers no more, and I can see her in my mind's eye, dancing with her tamborine to the tune of the angels' song at the Feet of the Father!

2004-11-27T18:39:00.000-08:00

I know this is a little late, but better late than never...

Happy Thanksgiving to all! The truth is, every day should be Thanksgiving day...We are a truly blessed people, and most of us take it so very for grantedl Even I tend to take the many daily blessing for granted, failing to realize how truly blessed we are.

I got the very special opportunity to visit my baby sister, Mary Beth, in Pennsylvania. I have never had the opportinity to visit her, or spend time with her family, since I left home at the age of 19. She lives on a 33 acre farm in Wattsontown, Pennsylania. They have 3 cows and a dozen chickens...3 wonderful sons and an old farm house that she has decorated to look like you step right into a country decoration magazine...Just oozes with country charm. I finally got to spend some time with her beautiful 3 sons ranging from 5 years old to 12. Fine looking, well behaved boys. She is a good wife and mother...I am so proud of her.

She even told me that if my son deploys this upcoming year, i was very welcome to come and stay with her. As I have mentioned earlier, I come from a really grossly disfunctional family... My baby sister, Mary is the sweetest spirit in the bunch, and the most well adjusted. That is because she is the youngest, and saw the least abuse. She has a very sweet spirit, and a wild and crazy sense of humor...lots of laughing around her. We had a really tasty Thanksgiving dinner followed by a wild game of Thanksgiving Bingo...she had this big garbage bag full of prizes...crazy stuff like a box of prunes, a little toilet deoderizer, a box of Fleet suppositories, a fruit cake, a bag of soldier guys, a chocolate santa, multiplication flash cards...you just never knew what would pop outta her Santa bag! We laughed and laughed...

Yes it was a long, long drive, 14 hours, but truly it was worth it. Mary and I have spent no one- on-one time since I left home at the age of 19, and I am 51 now...you do the math...I took lots of wonderful pictures and can't wait to download them onto my computer...

I hope you all had as wonderful holiday as I did, and have the best year ahead ever! Thank you for taking the time to read this...Peace! and God's richest blessings on you all!

Let Freedom Ring?

2004-11-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

What in the world are we coming to?

Hell yeah, Texas, let that self-confessed serial killer, Coral Eugene Watts, outta jail so he can do it again...

He said he would, too...

Is that what is known as "gender cleansing"?

He confessed to killing 12 women, attempted to kill 5 more, and is suspected of killing up to as many as 80 defenseless women, from Texas to Michigan...

He cut a deal with aTexas prosecutor 24 years ago, pleading guilty to burglary and murdering 12 woman, for 60 years in jail. He was gonna walk outta jail a free man after serving 24 years time served with 36 years off for good behavior due to a loophole in the Texas law!!!

Thank God for Michigan's prosecutorial conscience, and the jury's good sense... Charged him in the nick of time, tried him with nothing but a 25 year ago eye-witness for evidence, a most risky business and convicted him with a mandatory life sentence without parole...mmm mmm had me scared there for a while...talking about this dangerous dude walking...

Today was a Court TV junkie day...

Between that and all of Court TV's sponsors...

A pill and lifestyle for the unhappiest, over-weight club in the world, to cure their fat , unsatiable, unhappiness...

A pill for male inadequacies, giving Bob and his best buddy Tom their sadly drooping manhood magic male enhancement, hence a happy, more satisfied outlook on life and a more satisfied Misses......

A pill for male hair loss, to instantly grow hair, hence immediate hairy happinesson the spot...

Yeap, today, its a safer, happier world!

A Monday Morning Attitude of Gratitude

2004-11-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

Its Monday morning again! Seems like its Monday morning alot lately...

I wanna start this week off on a positive note. The best way I know to do that is to stop for a moment and count my blessings. An attitude of gratitude goes a long long way.

I'm grateful that it is this Monday morning and not next Monday morning...I still have one week to put the finishing touches on my costumes, make the crowns for my Wise Men, and accumulate the necessary props for filming...like a horse or donkey for Mary to sit on...lol

We had play practice after church service yesterday, did alot of laughing...now mind you, this is not a comedy... the wife of one of the Wise Men kinda mumbled that the best we could aspire for here was a bad "B" movie! I fear she is right...this wont win any Oscars...but it has been alot of fun thus far. We are going to do it at the local nursing home also along with some caroling a week later...They wont care if we are an "A" or a "B" rated production!!!

I am grateful for my sons, all three of them, and who they are today. Now, I can recall many the day that that was not the case. I raised these three critters alone, and they will tell you that they, indeed, gave me a run for my money. Many the occasion that I asked myself, " Self, what in the hell were you thinking?"

But it is true that "What doesnt kill us makes us stronger". There isnt much that can rattle me these days...I am a veritable power house of unleashed strength! Yikes! The very idea is mind-boggling! And I truly do owe that to my three sons, who have tested me with almost every challenge known to parenthood...and taught me to be strong in the face of whatever comes along.

They truly have been, and continue to be my greatest teachers in this journey called Life.

Let me give you an example... they taught me to think on my feet...One afternoon, after work, I picked up the kids from the daycare, and stopped at the gracery store on the way home, to pick up something for dinner. Now my youngest was still in diapers...and hadnt been changed in awhile, unbeknownst to me.

I placed him in the child seat at the front of the cart and proceeded to shop. I picked up a chicken from the meat case and was headed for the milk aisle when all of a sudden I heard water spilling...I looked around to realize that Baby Christopher was peeing, and his diaper was saturated to the brim, so pee was pouring out of the side of his diaper all over the chicken I had just put into the basket...and onto the floor, forming an impressive golden pool at my feet...

Now what do you do with a raw chicken that your child has just peed on? I didn't want it...but I surely couldnt put it back into the meat case... I couldnt bring myself to tell anyone, much less the store manager, that my child had just peed on this chicken, and that probably nobody would want it...

Heads up, Mom! Think fast!

I can feel the hot flush on my face, as I recount this tale...it really did happen!!!

What did I do, you ask? Why, I went and picked out a second chicken, bought both, being careful not to confuse the marinated bird for the plain... and was off to the kitchen after a quick diaper change, of course.

I never was too convinced, while rearing these three boys, that we would all survive...They were relentless scrappers, fighting from sun-up well into the night over nothing and everything, and all three strong willed, bull-headed little mules. They were the greatest challenge of my entire life, hence, my greatest teachers.

But, alas, God is good, and today, two of my sons are Soldiers in the United States Army, and my third is a wonderful daddy of the sweetest thing this side of Heaven, my grand son, Blade.

Who could ask for more? Thank you, O God!

Thanks for listening, and be blessed, today!

Today

2004-11-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the future holds
Tomorrow is a mystery...
The past eludes my chasing grasp
It is but history.
Today is all I'm given
Each moment precious and divine
Let me cherish, Lord, this one time gift
Through it may Your love shine.
Amen.

Where Oh Where Do The Days Go?

2004-11-11T09:50:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a week since I blogged...where the heck did the week go? I spend many fruitless moments wondering if Time moves faster because I am getting older, or if Time is just moving faster ... is it in my mind or is it real? Well which did come first, the chicken or the egg???

I don't know if I mentioned that some time ago, like 2 months ago, I wrote a Christmas play...the first play I have ever written... Actually, I feel like God gave it to me... but, I showed it to our Pastor, and he decided we could do it for Christmas... The title of the play is "Star of Wonder"... now picture this if you can...

Our church is a baby church...started in February of this year. Our average attendance is between 24 and 32 per week... we are working on getting our own property and a building...at present, we meet in the City Hall Building in a tiny little community called Oak Grove...

The cast of this play involves 14 characters plus extra angels to compose a "host of angels"!

The main scene takes place in an average living room with an average mom and dad and a child, decorating a Christmas Tree. When the child asks about the "Star", the parents take that opportunity to tell her the story of the Birth of Jesus, which involves about 6 different scenes which take place out doors...

Since my son is a broadcaster, the pastor came up with the idea of making this a multimedia production, with my illustrious son filming the Nativity scenes prior to the actual production...

Getting folks to agree to play characters has been like pulling teeth from a chicken! Exactly!!! Chicken don't gots teeth! And its not like we have a large congregation to recruit from...

But I think we have the cast covered now...I made the Pastor do some strong-arming!!! lol He is pretty persuasive when he wants to be...

The Pastor wanted live animals...so we have goats and chickens...and I'm praying for either a horse or a donkey...couldnt find sheep and the chickens come with the goats....now did the Jews do chickens? Mine do...

My main job is costumes right now. Costumes for Joseph, an innkeeper, 4 shepherds, and 3 Wise Men. Last night I did Melchior. I have 2 kings left. and then their crowns...The crowns are critical... Another girl at church is doing Mary, and the Angels....Gabriel, and the host! Thank God...

The pastor's wife is a musician, and is in charge of the music...The Angel Gabriel sings, and the host of Angels sing...

So I guess, betwen costumes, and the Scott Peterson trial, to which I am hooked, the days are tick tick ticking by...lol...wonder what my next project will be...

Thanks for listening, and have a blessed day....!

2004-11-04T06:11:00.000-08:00

This is my Grandson, Blade...we call him Chef BoyAreB...ubbie! He's the sweetest thing this side of Heaven!

I'm a Tough Old Bird...and Still Kickin

2004-11-04T05:21:00.000-08:00

Its true, I'm a tough old bird, and I don't give up easy...My beloved son pestered me into calling the doctor I have an appointment with on Nov 10, to try to get in to him early, given my symptoms. But, of course, they send me to the emergency room ASAP...

Dear God In Holy Heaven, I hate emergency rooms! Anyway, the long story short is, the ER doc, who was a very pleasant fellow, concluded that my chest x-ray looks a little cloudy imdicating a possible bronchitis...absent the cough or wheeze, and my bloodwork showed that my digoxan level was low...that is the cardiac med that regulates my heart rhythm...

So he sweetly tells me he's going to prescribe an antibiotic and a slight increase in my digoxan...forgets the antibiotic prescription, and sends me on my way with a script for digoxan and an order for blood work followup in 2 days.

Truly, I dont have much confidence in doctors... and I like them even less... too many of them have let the almighty dollar corrupt and distract them from the Hippocratic Oath that they take, give in to HMO and insurance companies" pressure and pharmacudical company coersion...and lose site of the human being they are supposed to be caring for.

I should have been a doctor...I would have been a good one, I think. Money is a necessary evil but not one to sacrivice ethics and morals for, and I am truly a nonconformist and a crusader for the strays and underdogs in life...

Anyway, I am feeling a little better, but still have the arrythmia and shortness of breath thing going on...of course, it would help if I got the digoxan prescription filled...

Have a dandy day all, and God bless!

I Danced With Death and I Can't Forget...

2004-11-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

The story I am about to tell is true. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent, for there were no innocents back then...this story is merely background for present occurences...
Back in 1996, April 16 to be exact, I had a 15 year old son named Chris...my youngest son whom I love with all my heart, but didnt like much. He was going thru a most obnoxious phase, was defiant, hateful and mean. I had had to resort to "Tough Love" measures to get him to comply with basic house rules of common curtesy, and it was not pretty.

I had also enrolled him in an outpatient drug treatment program, which he was truly thrilled about...NOT...because I suspected that along with his pot use, he was huffing...I couldnt imagine my sweet little boy being so ugly without some radical cause...

Anyway, our home front had become a war zone, and every day was a new or extended battle...he acted like he despised me through and through, and man, did it hurt. But I had to present a brave front and maintain the illusion of authority...probably the greatest challenge of my life.

Now picture this...a very handsome 15 year old, whom I removed from the 8th grade in Junior High because the illustrious powers that be in that noble institution kept suspending him for his loveliness, refused to attend adult ed classes for 3 hours a day, and refused to get a job. He refused to do anything at all but play his Nintendo, which I took away, watch TV, which I took away, get high and play with his obnoxious little friends, coming and going as he pleased while I was at work.

At one point, I tricked him, and took him to CrossWinds, a youth and mediation center, where he told the intake counselor when asked what the problem was, that his mother was a "FUCKING BITCH!"...that was to my face, and with all the venom and hatred he posessed in his eyes...

Ok, now you got the picture. I had been praying for a mighty long time for God to somehow intervene and help me with this young man...we needed a miracle...a big one at that...

I came home from work one day, to find Chris in his bedroom doing his thing, and I sat on his bed and very gently said to him, "Chris, I really need for you to do something here. Either go to school for a mere three hours a day or get a job. You cant just sit in this house and do nothing..."

Well, you would have thought I dropped a nuclear bomb on his head! He went slap bullistic...it just was unbelievable.... throwing stuff, kicking stuff, screaming obscenities. He finally tried to jump on his bike to leave and I grabbed his bike handle. After all, I bought that bike...and he wasn't gonna take it anywhere. He grabbed my arm and threw me off...that was it...I called 911. I needed reinforcements.

Cops arrived and one had Chris in one corner where Chris was swearing a blue streak and one had me in the other...The cop who was talking to me said," Lady, if he talkes to you like he is talking to us, you are within your rights to beat the shit out of him...Just dont leave any marks"

I put my hand up it that cop's face and said," I cant talk to you any more" and it was like a giant hand from heaven came down and reached into my body and grabbed all my strength. I experienced what felt like a white hot explosion in my chest, and dived at the couch, where I lost consciousness. I came to long enought to throw up all over, then I vaguely remember someone saying to me should we call an ambulance to which I think I said "No".

Next thing I remember, is a far away voice saying, "I can't get a blood pressure here!"

This is the long and short of it.... I had a massive heart attack that night, right in front of my most loveable son, and very nearly died. Had the one cop not called 911 and gotten the ambulance when he did, I would have died, as I had a total occlusion, and was in total arrest.
When they wheeled me out, past my son, who was pretty much in shock, I looked dead they tell me. I was unconscious and I dont recall.

Never again did my Baby Boy ever abuse me or disrespect me or look at me with hatred in his eyes. God knew it would take something big, and it sure enough did. And ultimately, I am grateful. There is nothing worse for this mother than for her own flesh and blood, in whom she has invested her blood, sweat and tears, and entire adult life, to look into her eyes with the ultimate contempt and hatred...for reasons unknown!

Ok, so now I have established that my heart attack was a blessing...and I truly see it as such. However, when one has such a close encounter with the Angel of Death, Life is never the same, in any way. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...everything takes on a different dimension.

Little irritations mean nothing any more, and little blessings mean everything. My body is not the same, as I lack the endurance and strength I once took such pride in. I am accutely aware that I live on borrowed time, and think of death often, daily. And when I don't feel well, I always think of death. Not that I am necessarily afraid of dying, because I'm not. I'm just not ready to leave my sons and my new grandson yet.

I have had alot of health problems since that heart attack, and every single one of my doctors have blamed my smoking...some politely, some very nastily attributing every single symptom to my own doing...with not an ounce of compassion or understanding what-so-ever.

Ok, so now I have quit smoking...7 weeks ago yesterday...and yesterday, I was sick sick sick...Had arrythmia,(irregular heart beats) nausea, shortness of breath...all the shit I'm not supposed to have now that I quit smoking...and I spent all day debating whether to go to the ER or give it a chance to pass...Wondering if this is IT, or am I exaggerating and panicking...wondering if I should call my son at work or call the ambulance!!! Wondering if I'm losing my mind or my life here!!! Since I danced with death once...I cant forget...

Today I feel a little better, but still have the arrythmia thing going on...but then I havent done anything but type this blog and tell this story...I supppose if things havent improved considerably by this evening, I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and seek out the very doctors I abhor...and taunt them with the fact that I am not smoking now so now what???

Thank you for listening...say a little prayer for me, if you are a praying person, and if not, just sent a well wish my way...I am sending one to you...may God bless you richly and give you a great day!

We Gets What We Needs...

2004-11-01T08:13:00.002-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me that God gives me what I need, when I need it, whether I want it or not! What that says to me is that My God #1 Loves me very much, #2 Knows me through and through, and #3 Has an amazing sense of humor!

What in the world is this loony-tune woman talking about, you ask?

With a sheepish grin I will tell you.

First of all, in order to understand this, you will have to have read the rest of my blog. Since I have been up here with my son, since January, I have made one real friend...I will call her Debbie. I met Debbie in a AA room...we were at that time both living with sons, both struggling to adjust, had alot in common and became friends... We have alot in common so it is easy to talk to her.

Well, she has hooked up with this guy also in the program that she's moved in with, who has serious mental illness...untreated. Serious mental illness as in behavior that oh so closely resembles Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Manic/Depressive Disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia that it is frightening...

Now I am no doctor but...
This guy has serious issues that display in this out-of-control, over-the-top, rip-roaring, irrational, out-of-the-blue, off-the-wall, straight-jacket-to-padded-room-and bring-a-double-shot-of-thorazine-on-the-double rage that flares at the drop of a hat without warning, rhyme or reason. This is the kind of dude that goes "postal"...

Now, think about this...I just left a 6 year relationship with someone I love alot who was just like this...Whom I can no longer live with or cope with, but, whom I miss and yearn for...

And here I am, in a front row seat, watching Debbie and her scary boy-friend, seeing all the reasons why God removed me from that relationship, in 360 degree surround-sound living color...

It is impossible to live with someone who does not allow you to have your own feelings or needs. It is impossible to live with someone who is so insecure they cant bear to be out of your sight or for you to be out of theirs...ever. It is impossible to live with someone you are afraid will kill themselves or you at any given moment, such that when they go to the bathroom, you want them to leave the door open... It is impossible to live in fear such that you must walk on eggshells 24/7, and still never do it right....The list goes on and on....

So Why in the world did I stay 6 years, you ask? Well, first of all, I didnt see it in the beginning, and when you love someone and are committed and they get sick with, oh lets say cancer...do you just walk away? noooo... And I knew that above all things, Debbie did not deserve what made her the way she is. Debbie deserves to be loved and happy more than anyone I know. She is a tortured soul who doesnt deserve to be tortured...I love her. That's why I stayed...as long as I could.

I believe there are "absolutely NO accidents in God's World"...

I need to let go of the past and move forward...and Thank God for All His Blessings This Day!

Thanks for listening and God Bless!

"Borderline Chaos"

We're off the map and outta control...
Its a borderline moment and I hear thunder roll.
We're a nuclear reactor with a fuse lit to blow.
Where or when it ends up is impossible to know.
Raw feelings run rampant, rational thought goes awry.
No rhyme or reason, no answering why.
Confusion, contortion, distortion of word...
Twisted perceptions of anything heard.
Its a set up, a trap that is set to explode;
Unpredicatable rounds that go off then reload.
A war zone of nonsense predistined to hit
Where no game plan or strategy ever seems to fit.
I'm weary and wounded, bleeding, baffled and shot.
One moment things seem awesome
Then in an instant they've rot!
After each explosion, i wonder in pain...
How in the hell did we get here again?
Is it me? Am I crazy? What did I miss?
What in the world ever brought us to this?
Yep, we're off the map and sure outta control...
Its borderline chaos exacting its toll.
msp 03/04/02

"Now and Then"

2004-10-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

Title: Now And Then
Writer: Pete Townshend
Song Lyrics:
Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it(repeat 3 times)

In you I saw someone that I recognized
Had no idea what was in your mind
I met your eyes and I was hypnotized
I let our lives become entwined

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it
Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it

I feel so badly Darlin' all the timeI have tortured you so long
But I am helpless in this pantomime
I am aware that I was wrong

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
You can't do a thing about it(repeat 3 times)

For though you knew that I was twice your age
To make you laugh seemed you enough
I thought we'd love and then and then you'd turn the page
I'd have to suffer your rebuff
And it was me who had the most to gain
Despite the fact that I now have lost
The only love that ever caused me pain
I feel like a double head was tossed

Now and then you see a soul and you fall in love
And you can't do a thing about it(repeat 6 times)

The words to this song are my theme song for the past 6 years. I imagine they probably will be for the rest of my days.

I knew, the first time I looked into her eyes, when we were introduced. My heart skipped a beat when we shook hands. I knew the first time I saw her smile and heard her voice. Yep, I knew, and she did too. Whamo! Sparks flew like the Fourth of July fireworks...pheremones and invisible magnetic forces hit like lightening.

Herein lies the problem... neither one of us was available...as in we were both in long term relationships with other people...she for 15 years, and I for 5 1/2 years. Neither one of us were happy in our current relationships... and hang in...it gets better...(or worse...)

How did we meet? I worked with her significant other for about 4 years at the same company. They came to my house to deliver an artificial Christmas tree that they were giving to my girlfriend and I.

Almost instantly, the four of us became inseperable.

It gets weirder...My girlfriend developed a huge crush on my friend, and judging by her behavior, my friend, whom I worked with, played the game, flirting her little hiney off back...and it really looked like love was blooming between my soon-to-be ex and my co-worker friend, and between my co-worker friend's soon-to-be ex and I. This went on for about a year and a half.

Looking back, it was almost too weird to be real. Weirder than a love triangle... but it was, real that is.

Now, my girlfriend really had the hots for my co-worker (lets call her Rosie), and she had an agenda...she figured if she could pair me up with Rosie's girl (we'll call her Carrie), Rosie would naturally come to her...so...she started encouraging Carrie and I to meet secretly, go to the store and leave her with Rosie, all kinds of little manuevers to manipulate situations...

Well, needless to say, Carrie and I could not resist the "urge to merge"...it was just bigger than the both of us. None of this was planned, it all just happened.

Naturally, things on both homefronts began to crumble. We, Carrie and I, both betrayed our values by not breaking up with our current involvements before becoming "Involved" ourselves. I betrayed my own values by getting involved with my friend's girlfriend...that is like the ultimate betrayal in my eyes...But I couldn't help myself...Carrie and I were and are kindred spirits and our hearts instantly recognized each other, and melded together.

Rosie claimed ignorance to the whole thing and went over the edge when she was finally told that Carrie had feelings for me and had been with me. She did not seek out my ex, who had it bad for her, no. She stalked Carrie, harrassed Carrie, assaulted Carrie...for like 3 years...she should have gone to jail several times but Carrie couldnt get past her guilt to do anything. In reality, everyone got hurt.

To make a long story short, after the assault, Carrie had a breakdown. Up until this time, there had been no apparent signs of trouble to me. By this time, Carrie and I were living together, and I started seeing some puzzling, disturbing behavior...She had a therapist that she had been seeing since she was 18 or so, and on several occasions I called her therapist in crisis when she acted suicidal...

Come to find out, as a result of extreme abuse and neglect she had experienced as a child, Carrie suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Manic Depressive Disorder...She hid it well until she couldnt hide it any more.

We stayed together for 3 years after her breakdown. She was an extremely intelligent woman, had put herself through college and had a Bachelor's degree in computer science. She lost her job of 10 years plus due to being unable to function and dissociating at work, which her boss interpreted as drug abuse. That only made matters worse for her mental state.

I came to believe that somehow, I was making her sicker. I tried everything I could possibly think of to try to help her. What ended up happening was that I started getting sick emotionally too. I lost my self, I lost my hope, I lost my purpose...One day, I just cracked and walked out, Called my son and within a week i was in another state with him.

My intention was to take some time, both of us, to work on our own issues, and then try it again, because we both still love each other...It wasn't my intention to hurt her, but I felt like somehow we were on a downhill spiral, and I truly felt like we were both dying.

She couldn't, however, deal with the abandonment issues, and ended hooking up with my best friend of 35 years...which is where it remains today. Yes, it is true, we reap what we sow...

Carrie is doing much better and is much more functional with my best friend, who is a nurse, and an infinately patient nurturer. And, in spite of the depression and sadness, I am doing much better, too.

Now, this is the honest to God's Truth. I do not, nor could I ever regret loving Carrie. Nor can I believe that God would judge me for loving her. What I do regret is how we went about it, which I do believe was wrong and ultimately contributed to our demise as a couple.

It was not easy to tell this, nor am I particularly proud of my actions here. This is, however, the truth, and what I am trying to learn and heal from. I surely pray that I never go here and cause the pain that I have caused, ever again, and I pray that God forgives me.

Thanks for listening...

'Forever"
Though Fate has intervened, you see,
Leading separate direction the paths of we,
And miles like endless mountain's ridge
Divide the valleys without bridge,
Tears like rain, cease not to flow
Cold lonely winds through this canyon blow.
Poignant pain both sharp and dull
Pulse through these veins with not a lull.
Golden heart-strings bind our souls,
In spite of Destiny-carved goals.
My heart forever shall be thine,
And thine eternally be mine.
In spite of where our journeys lead
Sweetest love shall thrive, yes, thrive, indeed.
Tis sorrow's sting my heart embraces.
Cruel truth of loss through my spirit races.
In spite of distance and sorrow's pain,
The joys of loving you will reign,
Forever.
msp 10/07/04
Copyright ©1997-2004 LastWords.com. Literary works copyrighted by their respective authors.

True Confessions

2004-10-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

My beloved, dyed-in-the-wool, hard core blogging son, Nicodemus, asked me last night if I had been blogging. I sheepishly hung my head and admitted that I had not blogged since last Wednsday...that I find it very difficult to blog, write or even communicate much when I am depressed...

Now picture this...

We are in the car, and he is behind the wheel....

Much to my distress, I have forgotten my crash helmet...Oh No!... anyway, here I am gripping the door handle with white knuckles, stomping my foot on my imaginary brake pedal...

And he looks at me, exclaiming, with both hands in the air, " But MOM~! That is when you SHOULD blog! "

Needless to say, we made it to our destination in one piece, thank God... (my nerves more than a little rattled...) and here I am, blogging today, in spite of myself.

I am ashamed to admit that Life feels like such a struggle to me these days, when I have so very much to be grateful for. It actually feels like an oxymoron...the struggle is between my ears... as I told you, my mind is not my friend...

The truth is, I have all that I need. God has been so good to me, and I feel deeply guilty to battle with the emotional pain that grips my heart and soul.

Our pastor told me that God can be all that I need...and I need to be praying toward that end. I have, and do...yet still this deep burning yearning sadness and emptiness...leaving me wondering what in the heck I am doing wrong here...

I can identify part of the problem...and it goes back many many years. My father, for reasons I have yet to completely understand, found it necessary to tell me often over the course of my growing up years that I was fat, ugly, useless, and that no one would ever want me. This started at a pretty young age, approximately 5 or so, and continued for most of my childhood until he died, when I was 17. Naturally, I believed him.

If there was someone in my life who wanted me, then Daddy was wrong, and I was ok...

The tragic part of this is that it didnt really matter if it was a quality someone, a kind someone, an emotionally healthy someone. Just a someone.

Initially, it had to be a male someone..."normal" was imperitive per the "family". After two horribly abusive marriages, I was so devastated and needy, it wouldn't have mattered if a little green Martian had paid attention to me and been kind...I would have been in like flynn.

It just so happened to be a female, a gay butch woman, who crossed my path and paid attention to me. She was the very first person in my entire life who ever nurtured me, and believe me, I fought the feelings that were inevitable...because in my Catholic, Christian mind, it was surely my one way ticket to hell to love a woman in this way.

Now, here I issue a challenge...Try NOT to love someone you love with all your heart, someone who brings you a cup of cool water when you have been wandering for years in the endless desert...someone who is physically, emotionally, mentally gentle with you when you had been battered over and over by every male in your life...

Didn't take long, and I was hooked. I have been in same-sex relationships since 1986...18 years. In January of this year I walked away from a relationship of 6 years with a woman I love deeply, just cant live with. I'm not going to go into that now, but leaving was the right thing for both of us. It was a God-Thing. No doubt in my mind. But this is the Truth...I miss her like crazy and I am lost without her.

That is what I think most of the time...

The real truth is, I am lost because I am alone right now and not in a relationship, scared to death Daddy dearest was right, and no one else will ever want me...no decent man has ever been interested in or wanted me...and to be brutally honest, most of the women I have been with weren't all that hot either.

I don't think I would recognize a healthy relationship if it walked up and slapped me in the head!

Here is the punch line: I am terrified that I will be cursed to live out my years desperately alone and lonely...

Tears well up and flow just thinking about it.

Enough true confessions for now...Yikes! I feel exposed now...thanks for listening, and God bless...

It worked!

2004-10-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

Moving a muscle does change a thought...at least it has every time i have done it, anyway. And yesterday was no exception. I reread my blog for yesterday and I'm not sure I was very clear about what I was trying to say...for that I apologize, my brain isnt terribly clear either... at any rate, the point is, I made my first costume yesterday after I finished my blog...

The Church my son and I attend is doing a Christmas play that God gave to me...yes I wrote it...the very first play I've ever written...and my job at present is to make costumes and props...

Much to my own discomfort and dismay, I have lost interest..I am so totally overwhelmed, scared, and unmotivated, that here it is, Oct.20, and I dont have a clue... I never did a play before...just thinking about it makes my stomach cringe...what have I gotten myself into?

The point is, I managed to get my first costume made yesterday....its the Innkeeper's nighttime attire...made out of a sheet that I got for $1.99 minus 75% at the GoodWill...it is a kind of rustic blue and off-white stripe with a multicolored blue and brown border...

I had my good old trusty son, Nick, try it on for me, cause the fella who is playing the innkeeper is approximately his size...

My son liked it...now that is no easy feat, there, to gain his approval...my son and I are at opposite ends of the taste spectrum...if I like it, rest assured, he doesn't, and vice versa.

EI. When I moved up here to live with Nick, all of my art pictures that I dearly love, he thought were only good for fire wood!!!

Anyway, it helped my overall mood...yep...Move a muscle, change a though...a right handy little tool there!

Have a great day and thanks for listening!

Move a Muscle, Change a Thought...

2004-10-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

It is still fairly early, on Tuesday morning. I am restless, irritable, and discontent! I have no good reason...it is just what is. So in an attempt to turn meself around today, I'm gonna write this blog, and then move a muscle, to change my thoughts!

When I was in a particularly bad place in my head, one day, a friend of mine in AA told me, "Move a muscle...change a thought"... I did it, and it worked...So that is where I am headed...

Last night, I attended the first meeting of a new Bible Study for Women..."Living Beyond Yourself"...It is being taught, or rather facilitated by our pastor's wife, whom I dearly love and respect...

I felt as out of place as a "petunia" in an onion patch..or to quote my beloved son, Nick..."a turd in a punch bowl..."

Most of the women there were young married mom's in the church. There were a couple of older women there more my age, but married, and Oh so Christian...

and then there is me...baabaa black sheep...lost in the wood.

Part of this study involves watching video of this gal who preaches...and as silly as this may sound, I cant seem to get past the volume of her voice to hear her message effectively...I am funny, that way...

Yelling, screaming, pacing preachers, be they men or women, make me shutter in my shoes...it is a direct result of how I was raised...in a violent, loud, irrational environment. I get uncomforable in the presence of any loud voices or conflict, whether I am involved or not...

And this speaker is loud, and "on fire", paces in her fervor, and makes me uncomfortabe...

I cant help but feel like if these gals knew who I really am, and where I have been, they would be very anxious for me to go away...

This is why...I am a lesbian. I cant deal with men, dont relate to them at all, have serious problems interacting with them, fear them, feel unsafe around them, and am intensly intimidated by them. ( to any males reading this, please take no offense... I don't hate men, I am just afraid of them)

This is all based on a lifetime of experience...personal experience...

And then there is God, and His Wild sense of humor...to give me 3 sons...Whom I love with all my heart, just dont understand...

I am who I am...and just because I am not in a relationship right now, doesnt change a darn thing...I am who I am...I feel like it is necessary to keep who I am, where I have been, and how I got there secret in this "Christian environment" if I want to fit in (like that was ever a possibility) or stay...

Truth...I miss my girlfriend, I miss her companionship, the stuff we used to share and do, I miss her smile, her touch, her comfort, her encouragement, her understanding. And isnt it funny how easily one forgets the problems and reasons why one had to walk away, over time...

The pastor says God can fill all my needs... I feel like I've missed the boat somewhere...because there is such a deep, hollow yearning in my entire being.

The point I am trying to make here is that just because I am not in a lesbian relationship, does not mean that that's not what I yearn for, and miss...I feel so lost...Dear God, Help me!

My Prayer Today
Lord, Let Your Glory shine through me
In all I say and do.
Heal this wounded heart of mine.
Let me seek none else but You.

Fill this hunger deep within
That none on earth can touch.
Let Faith abound where fear has reigned.
Please be my only crutch.

Bless these hands that long to serve
And make them as You Own.
Guide my feet upon Your Path
That through me, Your Love be shown.

My will and life, this day, I give
To do with as You may,
That my every thought and word and deed
Reflect Your Love today. Amen.

msp
08/26/04
Copyright ©1997-2004 LastWords.com.

"I'm a Lonely little Petunia in the Onion Patch"

2004-10-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Its been a long, lonely week. I am seriously struggling with loneliness, boredom, depression... and feel like I'm sinking into a deep dark pit of quick sand...Prayer feels hollow, reading the Bible holds no comfort (what does that mean?) , I am sad down to my toes cause I miss my female companion and soul mate whom I had to leave....And I keep wondering what is wrong with me...? I did the right thing, we were both dying... but now, I feel so lost, lost in an endless sea and drowning.

I have been up here with my son since January 17. I have one friend who is pretty busy and overwhelmed with her own life right now. The only real companion i have is my son's dog. My son doesnt understand me. He tries, but we come from different places, he and I... We live in different worlds.

We go to Church each week, and I truly experience God's presence and Spirit there... Why then am I so tortured at home? I feel like an apple in a case of oranges...or a lonely little petunia in an onion patch!

This blogging thing, that my son so dearly loves, leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed, even tho I am anonymous...isnt that crazy? I am feeling pretty crazy...The steering committee that lives in my head is all riled up, everybody talking nonsense at once...yikes! Turn down the flippin volume!!!

Circles
my heart's so empty it echoes.
hollow, and crippled with pain.
Tears on the edge of flooding
thoughts hopelessly tumble insane.
this path i have traveled in circles
leads to where I seek escape.
wherever I go, there I find me
in the same miserable funky shape.
when i was yet young as the springtime
heart pure and chaste as the dawn,
Reality's harsh boney fingers
Grasped me like I was its pawn.
to this day, I remain still a prisoner
in a jail with no windows or doors
engaged in a spiritual battle,
of unspeakable internal wars.
msp
09/19/04

To Be or Not To Be...Me

2004-10-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

I have spent very nearly my whole life trying to be anybody but me.

Why, you may ask?

Its quite simple...being "me" was never acceptible. I never met my parent's standards...on any level, even though I broke my neck trying. My efforts were just never enough. Consequently, I grew up hating who I was...always trying to be somebody else...anybody else.

(Daddy)..."You're fat and ugly, nobody will ever want you! You lazy, worthless, stupid girl! You will never amount to anything...
(Mommy)...I regret the day I ever had kids...You are JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER (sneering hateful leer)

They cursed me!

But alas, wherever I go, there I take me! ( I attribute this to God's sick sense of humor) I am who I am...

Now, I have come to realize that it is not God's Will for me to hate myself...that it is virtually impossible to have a relationship with God and hate His creation...(me).

Darkness and Light cannot dwell in the same space together...same principle.

So, my goal, today, is to be the best me I can...I took off my judge's robe and put my gavel away...Just as I try not to judge anyone else today, I try not to judge me...

My parents were sick, they were wrong, but...deep inside of me lives a damaged little girl who believes with all her heart and soul every word Mommy and Daddy ever said. She's wounded and damaged, That is where I live. My goal today is to be gentle and kind to her...to treat her with love...as My God would have me do.

Whew! What an order!

Right or wrong, thats my goal because a relationship with my Creator is the only thing that makes sense and holds any Hope for me.

Lesbian or straight, it is my belief that God loves me just as I am. If I'm wrong, I'm screwed, anyway, just like Mommy and Daddy said...

I choose to believe in God's Unconditional Love, and the Cleansing Blood of His Only Son, Jesus, and the transforming Power of the Spirit.

Today, Im just trying to be me...the best me I can be!

"Make Me a Mirror"

I can easily see Your Presence
In a flaming sunset sky.
I can clearly see Your Essence
In a fragile butterfly.
I can sense the wonder of You
In a rainbow midst the clouds.
I can sometimes even feel You
In unknown faces in the crowds.
I can feel You all about me
In the birds and in the trees.
I can hear Your Voice speak to me
In the whispering of the breeze.
I can see Your Love reflected
In the friends that grace my life.
Occasionally I recognize You
Even carrying me through strife.
There’s only just one place
Where I most often fail to see
Your wonder and Your Goodness, Lord,
That’s when I look inside of me.
It’s as if my eyes are broken
That I cannot recognize
Your ever-sweet reflection in
The mirror of my eyes.
Remove the darkened shadows, Lord,
That I might see Your Face
When I look into the mirror
For the reflection of Your Grace.
Msp 11/25/90

Copyright ©1997-2004 LastWords.com.

Thanx for listening and have a wonderful day!

Day 29

2004-10-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

Today is my 29th day cigarette free. I have been smoking since I was 15 years old, and I am 51 now. You do the math...thats 36 years! Even I am impressed, at this point! I have tried more times than I can tell you to Quit...with no success until now.

I started smoking young...and I have always loved to smoke...still do, actually. But the truth is, it is killing me, or was. For a long time, I didn't really want to live... I was just tired. I want to live today. But I have to tell you, my beloved son, Nick, actually strong-armed me into quitting...he refused to enable me to kill myself any longer by buying me cigarettes...hence, I had to quit. I have to admit, I do feel better and I smell better too...

Now thats not to say I don't crave a cigarette...because I do...but, someone told me the craving only lasts 10 seconds max, and I have found that to be true. As with most events that happen in my life, I wrote a piece about it...Which I will share, that may explain a little better...

Have a great day!

The Challenge

When I was but a young lass
My father said to me,
"Girl, I'll beat your sweet ass
If I catch you puffin these!"

Now, mind you, my sweet daddy
Had drunk his share of brew.
His and all his bandies'
He had sucked up their shares, too.

In my face he waved it...
His stinky smoking butt.
With drooling lips he gave it
A huge inhaling cut.

He, then, released a white cloud
That reeked with stench of beer,
Followed by a belch so loud
The mice trembled in fear.

Now the truth, I hate to tell you,
Is what the truth remains to be.
There is no excuse to sell you,
But the rebel thrives in me.

I waited till he passed out
Into his whiskey-induced sleep.
Stole a pack, then ran out,
Puffed in spite, instead of weep.

Now, I don't know for certain
But I surely do suspect
Today I'd not be hurtin'
But his challenge did infect.

Today, sweet daddy's dead and gone,
Rotting coldly in the grave.
But in my head he lives on
And the forbidden I still crave.

Yes, I can hear him saying
In his whiskey flavored tone
That what pain today I'm paying,
Is mine and mine alone.

I smoked in mere defiance.
And then I smoked some more.
Developed a reliance
That gripped me to the core.

And now I must relinquish
This nasty habit that I love,
Or else it will extinguish
The hand inside this glove!

Each day let me remember
The true reason I must quit.
The challenge lives no longer
And its purpose doesn't fit.

I'm tired of the odor,
And it would be nice to breathe,
It surely clogs my motor
So there's not a thing to grieve.

It makes no sense to fight it
Though like I'm losing my best friend.
The trick is just don't light it,
Then rebel money I won't spend!

msp

"My Mind Is Not My Friend"

2004-10-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

I've been told by more than one
My mind is not my friend.
To happy endings and pleasantries
It never seems to bend.
Disaster lurks, a shoe must fall.
The worst is where it leads me.
Thoughts of gloom, impending doom
It eagerly force feeds me.
In vivid technicolor
Surround-sound 3-D view
Detailed 360 scenarios
Play non-stop, without cue.
Think, think, think is not for me.
I think my thinker's broken.
No wonder that the shrink I see
Won't settle for a token!

msp
11/10/01

Intro's

2004-10-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

Greetings and welcome to the world of Me... Enter at your own risk! The purpose of this blog is to throw open the shutters of my heart and let the light of the sunshine in...by sharing who I am and how I got here, who I hope to be, I hope to heal, to find the Truth, and in the process, become whole. And maybe, by doing so, reach out and touch someone else who has been there or who is there and give them hope (the same Hope that I seek).

I am not traditional in any sense, never have been, never will be.

I am very spiritual, love God with all my heart and soul, but reject organized religion for the most part except the church that I am currently attending, and it is not very organized...

I am the mother of three grown sons, have been married twice (both disasterous affairs)

For the past 18 years have been in same sex relationships...yes I am a lesbian.

I am currently single, recovering from a relationship that I had to walk away from because it was killing us both... and at a crossroad in my life. I have no idea where I am headed, no idea what God wants... not even sure how I got here.

Welcome to the world of me!